بكتب اسمك يا حبيبي

It’s interesting to recognize a truly dangerous thought as it emerge, I feel that’s a bit of a rarity for me at least. Often, its only after or just before I suffer the consequences of taking action on dangerous thoughts that I realize.

I was walking home from spending too much money to make myself feel better after Christmas. I’d been thinking about this clip from what I assume to be a christian podcast where the guest warns that jesus, or the bible, never quite gave a clear picture of hell, and therefore to be weary of anyone who insists on a clear image with certainty what hell is. He elaborates that jesus spoke very often in metaphors and analogies so concepts like hell being this place where you burn for eternity are a bit of a modern invention. I’ve seen another guy whos main focus is theology of the abrahamic religions also talk about hell as a burning place being based on gehenna, a valley in which people would burn their trash in the days of jesus.

All fairly interesting stuff sure, but the danger lies in that… well, the fear of hell was so deeply ingrained in me and it’s one of the major deterrents when it comes to the pros and cons list I make daily about being alive.

When I was in the hospital in germany, having to make my peace with the possibility of meeting my end, I fairly confidently settled on what my belief structure was, or at least wasnt. I decided theres no way the teachings of my family were correct, and that if there was any sort of god out there who was just and worth worshiping, all good and forgiving, I would mostly be fine. I mean simply as a matter of relativity, considering all the dark and depraved things people get up to, I really shouldn’t be lumped in with the worst of the worst should I?

With that I thought I was free of the christian programming but over the last few months its creeped back into my head and fear grips my heart once more. The dangerous thought then or the idea at its core was that, if I wanted to truly ascend into my highest self, I would have to break free completely of all social pre programing, an important part of the transformation into Nietzsche’s idea of a super man. Still not so horrible, but then “if you want to truly prove to yourself that you reject the ideas of christianity, and that you’re not afraid of the wrath of a false god, you should kill yourself! If you’re so sure theres no punishment waiting for you after. It would be the ultimate act of self actualization!”

Scary stuff. Thankfully I’m able to recognize it as such, it only makes me wonder however, what has slipped through the cracks unnoticed, what dangerous seeds will sprout and break through the concrete.

All this as I walked by a building with what seemed to be… blueberries? growing on the building. It was like ivy, creeping along the whole structure, bearing fruit. I stopped and took some pictures, with one hand. The other hand holding the bag that held exactly two wine bottles, and two bottles of snapple apple. She’d had a terrible day at work, and when I asked if there was anything I could have at my place to help her decompress when she arrived, that’s what she asked for.

I live to serve after all I said. That’s been my new cope, giving without allowing any reciprocation, I feel less like I’m out in the cold when I do that.

Those berries, I wonder if they’re sweet. It’s fairly deep into winter and they’re still there. I wonder if they stayed sweet till the very end. I wonder if I did too.