Copenhagen,Hovedstaden,Denmark
Sometimes there’s this pressure that starts to build up yknow? I get restless it’s very frustrating. In my native language the word for this feeling spelled something like “ahumi tieh”. Ahumi is like your spirit, your soul, but also breath, breathing. The other word, the closest thing to it is “tearing”. Something is tearing your breath, its ripping apart your soul. When I think about the concept of something being frustrating, that phrase in my native language feels a million times more appropriate than the word “frustrating”. I’m quite keen on the etymology of words especially. The root word for frustration comes from frustrari which means to deceive or disappoint, or from frustra: in vain of in error. When you think of the feeling of something feeling frustrating, to me at least, the word doesn’t fit at all.
Anyway, when I start to feel that way I go outside and have a cig. There’s something about the experience that acts like a reset button for me. I’m outside, the (most likely cold) weather brings me back to the present. Just now there was the sound of an owl, yknow that hoooo…hooohooooo…. really lovely stuff. Then there’s the measured and ritual breathing, of course the chemical effects of nicotine. It all just brings me back to that point where I think, “what if nothing bother me, what if I just let it be” and just like that Im good again.
I’m sure I can achieve this without smoking a cig, and I probably should, but well, theres another edge to it. It’s not the addictive nature of the thing. I can go weeks or months without a cig, I only buy them when things get bad enough that I frequently need to hit reset yknow?
I don’t really remember why I started smoking anyway. I assume it was an act of slow suicidality. You’re not supposed to smoke when you’re on the medications I’m on. They’re very likely to cause you to have a stroke of some sort. So often I’ll inject my bunch for the week and then go have a ciggy. It’s quite stupid, I’m sure I’d regret it if it came through but what can I say, I’m a veteran at cheating death and the systems we live under don’t seem like they’ll be getting better any time soon. I’d be sad that I didn’t get to go a few places and see some more cool things but I don’t think I’d be too frustrated about slipping away.
y’know?
