ah min hawak

ALLAH SUBHANAHU WA TA’ALA

i prayed

if there is such a thing as forgiveness

for one such as i, that it be at least considered for a wretched person like me

i downed half a bottle of the strongest liquor i could find and then i hung myself

i thought

anxiety, fear, regret, paranoia and shame permeate my every days

no need for a hell when this is my punishment

as i fade and send my farewells

with perfect dexterity another consciousness undoes the noose

i wake in bed seven hours later

alive

poisoned

i beg those who love me to check on me in a few hours as

i am

unwell

again

i imagine

rushing back to the chord

aziz

they will not come

rightfully so

bile rises

i’m on my back

i need soup

nkateng kwy

or light soup with snail

bile rises

i need

i need so badly the sea

the dirt next to it

where i was born

i can hear a clock

i don’t

own a clock