the relief of giving into destruction

1.

everything is horrible

and i want to die

but when i hang myself

an immortal man undoes my noose

then puts me in bed

malaria sepsis poverty and madness

my whole universe conspires to kill me

yet he prevails

everything is horrible

and i am giving in

friends, forgive my silence

it is not i whom you would be speaking with anyways

2.

i am sick, this is certainly a disease

yet i don’t quite know what ails me

perhaps a great many things

i have resisted the idea that i was dealt a bad hand in life

people have it far worse than i, im aware

yet when i listen to my peers i can’t help but burn with jealousy

his car was a graduation gift from his grandparents

her father loves and supports her no matter who she wants to be

and what about me

born in dirt married to demons and haunted by specters my mind creates

i am alone only because

i’ve punished and leeched from everyone who tried to love me

at least people think i’m handsome, i should be happy about that right?

3.

can’t sleep

can’t eat

eat too much

can’t fuck

i’m telling myself things will get better

4.

why so bad all of a sudden

what happened

i don’t know

it’s simply time i suppose

with every instance that i end up back in this position i think, “surely this is as bad as it gets!”

and then without fail, the situation worsens.

“how’re you doing today sinclair”

i’ve come to dread this question, perhaps even fear it

i day dream about how ill handle it once the rest of the workers come in

i wish people would stop asking me

it’s not as though they really care, it’s just social convention

but if i respond truthfully im in trouble

it could all be over with if i just say “good, thanks”

but its become so hard for me to do this

to play the game

to lie about this

“Anhedonic” that’s my answer.

5.

I feel I have to justify my state of being

my grief my behavior my absence my silence my constant failures

how can i articulate a lifetime of sorrow and simply unfortunate circumstances

i am not skilled enough to do so

i have been forsaken by the gods who once blessed me

who cherished my being

how can i articulate having to “choose” to be an orphan

6.

above all however, is the understanding that i do in fact deserve this. Even if things weren’t my fault , they were my responsibility to handle afterwards. Be it karma or simple causality, I shouldn’t run away from my punishment. So, I burn, rot, wither, freeze. If this is the way, then so be it.

I can only hope for goodbye.