Message from Tangie

It’s a good meme yknow, they say that every 14 year old boy has a phase with philosophy and perhaps psychedelics. Or yknow “guys will do mushrooms, experience empathy for the first time and declare that they’ve achieved enlightenment”. To me its pretty funny, hilarious even because I’m guilty of exactly that. Ive been thinking about it because last week I heard the neighbors son listening to an audio book on stoicism, which made me remember my own foray into it. How does it go? Stoicism into nihilism into existentialism into absurdism? Something like that. Yeah I’ve run through most of it, and of course not to mention, various stints with religion be it Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, etc etc. Talking to a therapist about it once I described it as “I’ve been looking for a band aid yknow?”

I almost said the drugs did more for me and were a more effective band aid, I don’t know if that’s a fair judgement, I doubt it is, but that’s the way I felt for a while. DMT, Acid, Ecstasy, Shrooms etc etc. Those were my favorite. Shrooms are gentle with me, I felt they would teach me important lessons but they were nice to me. The psychedelics gradually fell out of fashion for me. Shrooms were the last to go, I still usually enjoyed them very much. At some point though, it came to be that every time I ate shrooms, or drank, or did anything to enter an altered state of consciousness, I would just cry. For hours and hours on end, as the walls started to breathe around me, I’d just cry and cry. I did feel more in touch with my feelings, or like I could finally access them, and when I did, hours of weeping. Still to this day, or I should say, even now without the drugs, bawling like a baby very frequently, almost every day. Crying, crying,crying. Real crybaby hours.

I got a message last night, part of it read: “You’ve made so many people laugh and smile. Even though I don’t fully know what you’re going through, and that you don’t have much energy to talk to even the ones closest to you, I couldn’t just let you slip away.” I didn’t respond to the message, I don’t have it in me to simply say “thank you for reaching out, I really do appreciate it” and I don’t have the energy to pretend either, but I did see the message, and I do appreciate it.

A few months ago, when things got this bad in an explosive vent to Ida I said “honestly who would be surprised? no one would be surprised if they got the news that I finally took myself out! At this point I think people expect it of me even!”

I feel like I have a responsibility to use whatever reach or platform I’ve been given to be the best example I can be. I wish I could deny it or pretend it isn’t the case but people and their lives have sincerely been influenced or altered because of my presence on the internet. It’s a hard concept to wrap my head around but it is the case. So I feel bad that I’m like this so often. I could list out all the reasons yknow? Lots of really damn good reasons but others have it worse, and it doesnt so much matter at the end of the day, I just

Well I don’t know what to say.

I think a lot about how my soul would be judged in some sort of after life. Its important to me to be a good guy, I want to be one of the good guys. Maybe its silly or trivial but I always tip people or donate money even when I don’t have much for myself, Im generous yknow? And I’m gentle with animals, and I generally have good thoughts and always give people the benefit of the doubt, and I stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves and there’s some stuff I can’t seem to control but I do my best to make up for it and just the fact that Im so concerned with trying to be a good guy gives me some points too right? So when they weigh the deeds of my soul some day I hope all that counts for something and

Well Im rambling now.

It’s not fair for anyone I know that but

Anyway, I‘m sorry to anyone I’ve disappointed or let down along the way. I really genuinely always am trying my best. It’s sort of funny yknow, Ive spent my whole life apologizing, and often times, women especially will say to me “don’t be sorry!” Or “you don’t need to apologize for that”

It’s hard to explain, I feel guilty for existing in the first place.

It’s almost compulsive at this point.

I’m sorry. Sorry for being cringe, sorry for being an asshole sometimes, sorry for not delivering on some promises, sorry for being the way I am, sorry for apologizing so much, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

Im sorry.

Sorry.

Im going back to sleep now