Find what you love and let it kill you

    The other two chefs were MIA today, I was the only one in the kitchen. I’ve never been more efficient, fast, competent, potent. 

 “Weneedfourmorebatchesofchocolatechipcookiedoughmakeanewbatchofblueberrysconeshandlethedonutscrapspreptheye-“ 

It’s done. 

The entire time, there’s a voice inside my head. It’s not screaming, it’s not whispering, it’s just stating.

“It’s 100% fractured. Walk through it.

“You don’t deserve the water, finish this batter and portion it out first. 

“hold it in,I don’t care how much coffee and water you drank,  finish doing tomorrow’s pull first.”

“The solution is, simply don’t get cut in the first place you stupid fucking idiot” 

“faster. faster. faster. faster.” 

“seriously? you can’t even fucking count ounces properly? sixteen ounces a fucking pound you already fucking know this you’re fucking worthless. The chocolate icing burned by the way”

“faster faster faster faster. No you can’t sit for fifteen, take a few bites when you’re done scooping this flour.”

 I’m really good at what I do. I’m not as good when I’m in a great mood, when things are relaxed. I forget things, I work slowly. I’m a way better writer when I’m in the darkest places. I make things I'm passionate about then. 

At the eleventh hour, when the water is boiling, when the sky is pregnant with a storm. When I close my eyes and see myself being beaten or assaulted, when I remember all the fuck ups, I’m pure in those moments. A fast, clean, intense burn. 

I don’t know why I was chasing anything else. I know it’s not healthy, I know it’s unfortunate, but violence is my home. It’s what I know, it’s what’s comfortable, it’s synonymous with the people who love me. That’s where I need to be to thrive. I even had the time and headspace to float a new idea to the head chef for a garnish on our key lime bars. She likes the idea and even has some of the herbs in her garden. 

I’ve always known I don't get to have the things other people do. Friends, family, kids, weddings, surprise parties, kisses on the nose. Not for long anyway. But it’s okay. There’s always a cost. In return, Im really…. something. 

The quality of your life is determined by your close relationships.