I keep picking at the skin on my nail bed, mom told me once that it would peel all the way back to your heart and you’d die!

  I’ve had this idea in my mind for a while that I need to make it big and get very rich only so that I can make sure the people I leave behind will be all set financially at the very least. It’s like a buy out or an excuse, paying the fine for my existence. “Sorry I died! But you’ll never have to worry about bills again at least!” In that way my life would have had some tangible worth. An argument pops up in my head that says “oh but the time and memories these people share with you are the truly valuable thing! They would never trade any amount of money over that!” 

  I don’t really believe that though. The way things went with my family over the years I always felt like I had to apologize for being around, being so much trouble, being such a fuck up. I’ve been thinking about it again because things got dark the other day, been a while since we were there y'know? “I’m running out of time! The walls are closing in! I'm being cornered on the edge!” this sort of thing. Needed to hurry up and make it before then.

  I just now had this thought “what if I don’t.”? “What if I don’t owe that to them?” Being free is a terrible thing sometimes. Now there’s no anchor. My sister, the only one in my family I still maintain contact with sent me some jesusy shit yesterday, I was so disappointed. She said in the message, “dw, I haven’t been influenced by mom and dad or anything” how dark. It feels like I’ve lost her too. I’d like to spend all of next year going to visit all the countries that I really want to but haven’t gotten to yet. It’ll be a good way to spend 26. 

  When I really think about it, without any jokes or exaggeration, One Piece. Finding out how One Piece ends, that’s all I have.

I think a lot about how people will speak of me. I think my neighbors would comment on how I’m always bringing them food.