Kill Sinclair
Yknow when I started this blog a year or two ago I had a fairly specific vision in mind. I wanted it to be a sort of behind the scenes sort of thing, Here’s my thoughts behind this video or project I’m working on, here’s some ideas I have for some streams coming up, here’s how Im really feeling about this that and the third. Just yknow, fun candid balanced expression.
Looking back on it the large majority of the posts are just pretty macabre, depressing things. I suppose it makes sense and I shouldn’t be surprised considering the contents of my head and what its like going through the day to day as one Sin Rose. I don’t know what happened. I was having a pretty decent day actually. I was able to shower for the first time in longer than I care to admit, and could finally do laundry for the first time in a month. What Ive learned over these past few weeks is that there was a lot I took for granted. A microwave, a clean shower, a working toilet.
I’ve moved into my new place and thankfully its a billion times better. It’s newly renovated, its clean, I have a washer and dryer in unit, its much more beautiful, and on top of it all, Its cheaper than the hell hole I was in. I got a new idea for an art series I wanted to do, illustrating D&D characters, maybe I’d even turn it into a side gig. All good things, should be a good day, and then it just cascades upon me.
Depression as a word has lost its meaning I’d argue, or at least its clear definition. I don’t know what to call it or how to describe it, its just that suddenly, I feel like shit.
My little sister emailed me, asked if I could come home for her birthday, she put in parentheses (June 10th). I can’t believe she thinks I’d forget. I’m going to go, I have a reason to get up and go to work, its because I want to have enough money to give my sister a good birthday like she deserves. I sit here and imagine what it’ll be like to go back, I realize all the blood has rushed to my face, my ears feel hot, my heart is pounding. At the idea of going home. I imagine my parents will ask me why I refuse to give them my number or any info about myself or my life. I think about the 2nd or 3rd video Ive seen this month of a trans girl explaining herself to her parents and being met with love and acceptance. I’m tempted to try again with them but I know better. I’m not those girls, my family isn’t like theirs, and I will never have that.
I think about how I don’t believe in psychics but if I decide I do, my friend Kali is the only one I’d trust. She randomly sent me a message today, the core of it: “You’re not a fuck up, and things seem like they may not be going well or may not be aligned but life will surprise you” and for a few hours that holds, but Im here again, feeling like a fuck up, a loser, an idiot, a waste of oxygen. I think about how yesterday I cried because after I prayed to Allah someone sent me the money to be able to move out of that hell hole early. I cried really because I believed in that moment, and with that belief came the feeling that I have not been forsaken after all. Not by god, not by my family, not by my friends. It held for a while, then I start to think, the way I am goes against the rules of the religion I want to be a part of. Ill tell myself Allah would not make me this way if he didn’t love and accept me as I am. I realize Ive become like my mother, holding on fervently to faith against all reason, listening to prayers and hymns throughout the day. Then I eat a bacon cheeseburger, jerk off, and say astaghfirullah as I sit on the toilet a post nut piss.
None of it means anything.
I think about how I look in the mirror each morning, I say to the reflection, “I love you, you will succeed” then 12 hours later Im typing away about what a piece of shit I feel like I am. I think about how I want to disappear, so I delete all my videos again. I can’t stand seeing my face anyway, my fucking jaw, and my adam’s apple and my stubble, and, and ,and
Suddenly I realize 5 hours have gone by.
I shouldn’t hate myself or feel so bad. I try incredibly hard, I work harder than I can afford to. I do my best. I just got unlucky at a few critical points, but I still try. I try really hard so you should cut us some slack.
We try really hard
I know, Im sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry everyone.
