i still have meonji
Some years ago, pre pandemic, I’d given up everything in my life, and bought a one way ticket to san diego. I chose san diego because I figured it would be a good place to be homeless if it came to that, it’s a nice 70 every day yknow? and at that point I felt like even that may have been better than the life I was living.
As we boarded the plane there was this girl and her tiny dog, Malibu, barbie, paris hilton type yknow? She was very friendly and very keen on introducing me fo her dog. I think I was trying to gain the courage to flirt with her or something. I was still wrapped up in the manosphere thing maybe. Every once in a while I think about her and wonder what life like that must be like. I’m so envious. I wish I could be a bubbly white girl with a tiny dog who never had to worry about money. I hope she’s alive and doing well wherever she is.
I feel time has moved in a big circle again. I’m once again giving up everything in my life and flying somewhere warm on a one way ticket. Thinking it would be good to be homeless in that place if it came to that.Though I’m doing my best to avoid that. I’m not sure I have that same foolhardy courage to go through like that without worrying. Now that I’m older I seem to worry more and be more cautious about things. Drugs especially, I readily dropped acid on the city bus as a teenager yknow? I’m not sure you could pay me enough to do acid now, just imagining those 12 psychedelic hours is enough to put a pit in my stomach. Likewise, I hesitate to go in without a plan now. I got a job, figuring out some housing arrangements, selling some toys to help with the costs of starting life over again. It’s funny to me.
A friend came and spoke to me today. To get things off her chest before I make this grand leap of faith once more. She said I’d been very good to her and her partner, and it’s made me think once more about what people would say about me, over all yknow?
I really think, or hope people would have mostly good things to say. That I was generous especially, always gave when I could and sometimes even when I couldn’t. Maybe some people will think I was funny, I can think of a few people who would say I was a real asshole, I hope there would be some asterisks and caveats to that though. Like they’d say I was a douche but I had my moments, or that they understood a little bit why I acted some ways. I think they’d know that I’ve changed and I really am sorry. Despite cannibalistic intrusive thoughts I don’t actually want to hurt anybody. Usually. Of course I also wonder a lot what my ex would have to say. I’m thinking about the day they told me that if we ever did break up, their standards for connecting with the next person would be insane, because of the way we were so instantly locked in yknow?
Well anyway. One day I’ll be able to stop talking about them, and be able to move on completely. I feel a somehow very passive yet very suffocating resignation about the whole thing today. All of it, my whole life.
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything.
I don’t know shit about fuck.
I do know though, if you meet someone that great, you shouldn’t fuck it up.
“what are you doing right now? typing this?
Fucking it up probably , with someone who’s also really great.
Sometimes I go to the farm we had together in stardew. I never progress the day. It’s always wednesday and it’s always raining. I pet meonji and then stand on the pier. This is my only character not wearing the leather jacket. This one is wearing a tshirt with a heart on it. It keeps raining.
post script
Snow on Mt. Fuji
I always wanted to end an entry with that for some reason. Think it has something to do with Haiku
Haiku, the poems
Haiku are my favorite
snow on mt fuji
would youuu quit kickin me under the taablee
