Opium <3

   Realized I get distressed when I’m alone, but when people are around me I’m very anxious. Oh man. It’s okay though, I’m trying to teach myself that it’s okay to experience something “negative”. I was getting real wound up just now, then I told myself it’s okay to be so wound up, hurts just a little bit less. Obviously, it’s bad enough to be feeling bad, and then have an added layer of turmoil added on top of it, simply for feeling bad in the first place. It’s quite silly when I think about it. These things are a practice so I shouldn’t get mad at myself for not being expert at it quite yet. 

  I’ve been thinking about this like, internet brand of spirituality y'know? The manifesting, the cards, the birth times. I think they can be quite fun but somewhere along the line I personally fell down the same holes with it as I did Christianity in some ways. Took a lot of work to undo that. There are obligations, rituals, and ideas  that I simply can’t abide by, that I find so silly and yet I find myself being beholden to all the same, regressing in a way. I mean I grew up in West Africa, then I lived in the Bronx, and various other impoverished places in the world, do I really believe all those people simply weren’t manifesting or visualizing hard enough? No! Of course not! It’s so silly! Yet, I find myself so desperately repeating mantras and trying to embody feelings of outcomes of the things I want simply because I’m so desperate for it all! Of course, the algorithms are all so wonderful at putting all of this stuff right in your face creating a perfect storm for you to succumb so easily into the delusion and psychosis. 

  God the way I was just eating up all those tarot readings that would come on my fyp telling me my ex was coming back, or was deciding between me and someone else, and I needed to use the sound and claim to make them choose me. Oh it was just so sad, but I don’t chastise myself for it, I was in a lot of pain, and it made me feel good for a little bit. 

  I realized it when I was much younger, it’s much easier and more comforting to believe that there’s some grand force out there, be it god, allah, great creator, master weaver, ancestors, buddha himself etc, guiding the way and taking care of things for you, than it is to just sit and think- “The universe is cold and silent, I may just be an accident, all this gruesome suffering is for nothing” etc etc. 

  I think I make more excuses for the vague spirituality so popular in the west these days because at the very least “it’s not organized religion, and doesn’t hurt people in the same way with those dogmas and doctrines” but yknow, it can still have some pretty harmful effects. 

  Once I made a tiktok saying “wtf guys are people suffering in 3rd world countries must not manifesting hard enough?” and I got a LOT of comments that were just like “uh yeah basically”

I deleted the post and just decided to let people have what they have. 

 After all, we all need something like it. Even to stare into the face of the potential of the darkness of it all, is to believe in something, to find comfort in something, even if it’s your own bravery and rebellion. 

  If I were to convince all of my family that god wasn’t real, I would be convincing them that they’ve made a huge mistake in the way they’ve lived their lives for decades. That it’s all been a huge waste. They could have done what they wanted, divorced who they wanted, been who they wanted, etc. 

It would be cruel of me to do that. 

When you win an argument against someone, you have fundamentally shattered their reality and forced a new one down their throat. 

I’m aware of this. I don’t want to be cruel after all. 

For me personally, I’m letting go of it all. The way I don’t think there is a god worth worshiping if they allow all this tragedy to continue occurring, I also know that goddamn, I have wished and prayed and visualized incredibly hard all my life. Things would be radically different I think if it were all true. 

I don’t know shit about fuck though, at the end of the day. 

I still hope I get these 3 big things I’m desperately wishing for however. 

Have you guys ever tried the mixture of milk and honey? Warmed up, on a crisp autumn night, under the blanket, as a night time breeze rolls in. It’s as good as opium.