caliban,typhojem,aethelfled,shriek! CARMEN! CARMEN! CALIBAN CARMEN!

sat on the lanai reading for some time.

an actual physical honest to goodness book!

this is all i did as a child, read read read read some more read read— mostly books meant for girls, adventure books, YA novels, hated nonfiction!

today it was Zhuangzi the complete writings

can’t say i thoroughly understood most of what was being said but the gist of it registered- i think so anyway.

I came back in, browsed the internet and saw a post displaying a letter from luigi recommending a book called Self compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself to a nursing student who had written him a letter in which she assumedly expressed some of her struggles in life? being who she is? something of the sort.

Strikes me as odd- sending a letter to a man in prison for (a very justified and necessary murder) who presumably has an impossible lot of things on his mind and things in his own life to deal with about your own personal struggles but again, i don’t know shit about fuck.

i found the book he recommended for 5 dollars 49 cents plus 2 dollars shipping on a website called worldofbooks dot com, so i bought it.

during the check out process there was an option to donate to st jude children’s hospital, an organization as far as i know, dedicated to treating children’s cancers. i gave them 30 dollars because that’s roughly how much i had left in the secondary bank account i keep. i used the card from that account because its the only card i use in which the billing address is the same as my current mailing address, this meant less typing on my end.

had i used a different card from a different account with a different amount of money i would have likely given more, but i was lazy and it was convenient so, 30 dollars.

earlier in the week i donated 20 dollars to a relief fund for palestinian, lybian, syrian, etc etc peoples because it was linked to a tiktok i enjoyed, and when i opened the link, 20 dollars was the default amount.

circumstance. not the will or desire to do good but sheer circumstance and i suppose karmic guilt is all that drives my good deeds?

i remember frequently saying some years back that motivation does not matter when it comes to good deeds if the overall outcome is a net positive. so i dont care if an “influencer” is only feeding the homeless for internet points of it means those in need are getting fed so—

i’m not sure what my issue exactly is.

i often prattle on about not believing in “good and evil”, in morality as dictated by the abrahamic religions etc etc, but at the same time, i’m endlessly comparing myself to impossible deific standards.

if i am not as pious and honest as jesus christ, if i am not as compassionate and free spirited as the buddha then i must be a malevolent, sick demon who must be felled.

i am aware of the folly in this sort of extremist thinking but

“awareness is not control”

hasn’t that always been my plight? to be always perfectly aware and yet struggle almost helplessly to do anything about it.

i don’t do good things because i am a good person, i only occasionally do good things because the option is presented to me and it’s convenient to do so, but i do bad things because

“also because of circumstance my love. we have no desire to lie,cheat,kill,steal or destroy but often it makes the most sense to, or it’s the path of least resistance, or promises the greatest reward, etc.”

but i don’t think that’s true, i sometimes desire and enjoy doing awful things!

“do you ever desire to give generously, to protect, to sacrifice, all the G O O D B O Y things a good boy would do? if we’re being truly honest?”

if we’re being truly honest, yes.

“well then, if you had all the money and resources you needed, would you help people? even those who spoke or acted against you?”

maybe yes but i would also kill and maim! in my hubris i believe in such a thing as righteous anger!

“so you are capable of great violence and compassion, as all men are, you are both good and bad, or neither, it doesn’t have to be a duality, we can go beyond good and evil!”

but i want to be good, and i am not.

“why do you want to be good? where did that come from?”

doesn’t it just make the most logical sense? if i am good won’t more people benefit? won’t the world overall be a more positive place? even if i only think this way because the church or society told me to, isn’t this just the best way forward?

“if you hadn’t lied, cheated, and pretended to be something you’re not, if you had been totally honest about who you are, how you feel, how little dedication you have to corporations and jobs, what your values are, would you have gotten that job that gave you the money that you donated today?”

no. or at least it would have been significantly less likely.

“you have no clue how far that 20 or 30 dollars can go, who’s life it may prolong or even save! release yourself from these shackles! be 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖊! 𝖗𝖊𝖑𝖊𝖆𝖘𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖙𝖞𝖕𝖍𝖔𝖏𝖊𝖒! 𝖑𝖊𝖙 𝖑𝖔𝖔𝖘𝖊 𝖈𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖇𝖆𝖓! 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖊𝖌𝖔 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞! 𝕭𝕰 𝕱𝕽𝕰𝕰!“

I am looking at myself type out these words and sentences, are these my own thoughts? are these my own beliefs? or is this the medium in which whatever, whoever possesses me— be it myself or some spirit, is this how they—it speaks to me? I can no longer differentiate between myself and my imaginings, I cannot tell what is real and isn’t, I don’t even know when I’m telling the truth! I do know however, that something in me is deeply satisfied with, agrees strongly with these sentiments.

To let loose the parts of myself I FEAR THE MOST!