an2logy: false omnibus
I’ve been seeing you check frequently to see whether or not I’ve updated what is effectively my very own apocrypha. I’m sorry its been a few days, I’ve been too busy to sleep, there have been many sentiments I wanted us to discuss over tea, but I’ve not had the ability to make it happen.
Thank you for reading, particularly you in Nebraska, and Tennessee. I don’t quite know who you are but I’ve come imagine us as having some sort of kinship. Y’know I consider places like yours to be the real America? I just feel like the bi-coastal elite cities and townships are so…… global.
Well, here we go. Once more my mind isn’t entirely my own so, bear with me, and forgive me.
For the first seven or so hours of every shift I report to, where I’m totally alone, I’m usually pretty fine. Something happens when a person comes into the bakery however, its like this switch flips and suddenly everything is that much worse. Whispers splinter the mind, I start ticcing even more and I can’t beat the grief. I suppose chalking it up to stress and anxiety makes sense, it’s a bit absurd to me how drastic it is though. Am I destined to hide away from the day walkers to maintain whatever scraps of peace I can gather for myself? Comical! Today is christmas eve, I was fine until everyone started talking about and complaining about their families and christmas. I unraveled nearly in totality. I expected these days to be difficult, I’m surprised by how painful it is still.
I’ve been very excited to do the christmas stream, I’ve spent a lot of money on supplies and costuming and planning etc. I can’t forget how I felt that christmas during etika’s stream. I would like to replicate that so other people can feel the same way, if theyre anything like I was during that time anyway. I’m afraid this year however that my mask will slip. I’ve really been punished these last 12 months. I’m not complaining, I believe in punishment, and I wish it upon others, so I mustn’t run away from my own. I do so very much always enjoy the company of those who join me in the christmas streams, however as you can imagine, its always been nice to be with whoever was unfortunate enough to be my partner at the time, and by the end of the day when they all return from work or their own celebrations, Im glad to be graced with the presence of my family. Not this year! This year I’ll be alone. Chat will be there, and maybe a friend or too!… still alone. I wish I didn’t care about being alone, intellectually I truly do not. I seem however, to be entirely helpless against the grinding and frankly, uncouth despair what which suffocates me when I go long enough with only myself, the voices and my demons. I want to make more cheerful posts! It’s painful. My life has been really painful. I have quite the tolerance for all sorts of pain, be it physical or otherwise. This year however, anguish.
One time my parents didnt want to let me go to water country with the rest of the summer program because I was just getting over some illness. Understandably enough, but water country was always the high light of the whole summer, so desperately I protested.
“Listen to yourself, you still sound sick even!” said my father
“No, thats angst” my mother rebutted
“No it isn’t he’s still sick” my father insisted
My mother stayed silent.
She always stayed silent in the worst moments, in the moments when I needed her so desperately to speak.
She was right, it was angst.
Another day a few years later I had sat both my parents down. I was about to move and I decided it was now time to put all our cards on the table and squash the beef. I poured my heart out, my dad responded, my mom said she had nothing to say. I told her “You’re dead to me, we’re done forever!”
She stayed silent.
3? I’ve been afraid to open my mailbox or check my voicemail. I’m expecting bad news every day. My parent’s don’t have my phone number, my sister does, I don’t have hers. We never talk, if we do my parents will use her as a channel, which would make her suffer, I don’t want that.
I’m always expecting a letter or message telling me that someone died, or that I’m in big trouble. It never comes. So every day, fear.
There’s no scenario in which its a good thing to hear screaming in your head is there?
If you were to plant a flower seed in the desert, and water it coca cola, what would you expect of the seed?
nothing, to die.
If a beautiful orchid bloomed from the sand anyway, what would you say of it?
I would call it a miracle and begin looking for god nearby.
So, what is your name azizam?
You want me to tell you that its desert orchid, but as beautiful a story that may be, I am no flower.
In what way are you different from that very seed?
I can sin and be forsaken.
4! I’m not sure why I go after the things I strive for. I no longer have a driving motivation of wanting to feed my family, and make sure they can live in luxury as an apology for my existence. Lord knows I don’t make money from it, I spend more investing back into it than I make by far. I’m not sure anyone really benefits from it, or if there arent better places they could glean whatever enjoyment it is they find. I’m so embarrassed about my own work. I frequently delete it all and then shave my head, at least once a year.
Don’t you enjoy it?
I do, who are you?
I’m probably
I do enjoy it, but I spend as much time , if not more, suffering because of it.
I don’t know why I want to move here and there. I don’t want to spend my life counting out forty hours each week.
I’m sorry for another sad post. Please imagine me bowing at your feet and apologizing.
Merry Christmas, I will show up tomorrow and do my work. I will show up dont worry. I will show up, I will be there, I will make you laugh.
And what would you like to tell him?
They aren’t my own words.
Yet still.
Dearest,
I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate.
what else?
Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness.
