Strawberry Doss

Always a surreal experience, coming back to my senses. This time around, 8 on the left arm, 5 on the right - spots, burns; from a cigarette. It’s not as though there’s a gap, a blind spot, a loss of awareness or memory, I remember watching it happen. What’s missing, is understanding, and control. I can’t give any good, logical reason why I would do that to myself. Presently, as I am, I feel no desire to do such a thing. In fact, I regret deeply the literal hundreds of scars I inflicted upon myself from childhood. If they’ll never go away, then I promised myself at least that I wouldn’t ever add any more, yet here we are.

It seems also, that I no longer have a job. In this instance I only remember walking home through the luxury shopping district in the tourist part of town. There was a group of girls, tourists from japan all gorgeous in their own right. One guy was with the group, a local, not Japanese, with his arm slung around the shoulders of one of the girls. I looked in bewilderment as he animatedly told a story. I also remember a string of thoughts forming in my head, something spiteful about how I’m much better looking than he is and how schlubby he was. I must have been jealous, so much so that I didn’t notice one of the girls staring at me. She smiled warmly, I quickly averted my gaze. I looked up again, she was still looking at me, still smiling, when she caught my eyes once more, she giggled. She laughs like a child, when I recall the memory, I hear wind chimes overlaid on the sound.

She was beyond beauty.

I lowered my head once more and quickened my pace. Immediately I thought, I should have at least smiled back at her. I should have done that thing where I smile big so you can see how long my canine teeth are and then squinted so it looks like I’m really genuinely smiling with my eyes. They form this sort of ^ ^ shape when I do, and people comment that I have an attractive smile. I should have waved or even beckoned her over! After all, I speak enough Japanese to use my powers on her. And then the thought was dismissed. Actually, I would have been too afraid and awkward to engage with her at all, that’s why I was jealous of that schlubby but obviously very charismatic guy, that’s why I instinctively lowered my gaze so my eyes were hidden under my cap and quickened my pace.

Though it’s strange, I’ve always been able to go up to anyone on the street and have them giggling in a matter of minutes. Charisma and seduction are some of my stronger stats are they not? When did I become a pill bug?

So here I am, my room is an absolute mess. I’ve said I’m retired and yet it seems I’ve also posted several awful, cringy videos and tweets along with one way too personal, far too vulnerable and messy video no one cares about.

Though I can’t say it’s an entirely incongruent behavior or experience to gush so openly on the internet. I question myself every time I open this site to add another entry to the blog. It’s so messy, far too honest, and likely to get me in trouble. One of my biggest deterrents is this imaginary scenario I keep running into. What happens if I meet someone, they’re everything I ever wanted and more, their laughter sounds like wind chimes, or they buy me finger gloves with skeleton bones on them. What if they decide they actually want to deal with me, and then they read this blog, where the curtain is peeled back fully to reveal Oz, naked and pathetic. Then they decide actually, they don’t want anything to do with me after all.

What possible motivation, what possible reward can one glean from being so utterly, grotesquely, embarrassingly visible?

“Freedom.”

Ah yes. The less I have to hide, the more free of shame I can be I suppose. Though Im not sure it really works that way, I find myself still very often ashamed.

Deep shame, in all aspects of my being. If it is even mine.

It’s quite rare for a pilot to own the plane after all.

At least these days I no longer find myself waking up next to strangers.

how will they talk about me? how will you all talk about me?

will you even? quite arrogant of me to assume.

At the very least, I’m not sad.

wonder what life would have been like if i was normal and healthy, had a good family, had money.

could have been nice, i could have been beautiful.