you’re sweeter than you know and i wish life was more kind to you

she sent me a picture of her food. she had placed two small stuffed animals on opposite sides, it really looked like they were excited about the noodles!

it made me well up actually.

i said,

“it’s the little things like this that you do that give me glimpses of who you really are”

i paused, unsure of how to articulate my next sentiment

“you’re sweeter than you know and i wish life was more kind to you”

is what i settled on.

“u made me burst to tears” she responded.

i was crying as well. as soon as i said it, it struck me as something someone might say to me.

i didn’t say anything about how sometimes she makes me question the promise i made to myself to never allow anyone in that deeply again. it’s an act of self preservation, hilarious coming from someone who spends so much time thinking and talking about wanting to die.

it’s not for me though, it’s for everyone around me who’s either decided, or been unfortunately burdened by circumstance to love me.

thinking about and feeling the moment, still there existed the after taste of my suicidality. most pungent a taste in the happier moments.

we were in bed, pillow talking and for the briefest of seconds i felt like i was talking through a tunnel at someone i once knew from long ago, it felt like everyone i end up with is an echo of whoever this spirit is.

i started telling her about how i got so high i thought i was remembering a past life i had in ancient china, as a little girl in a courtyard somewhere.

i had two therapy appointments today and slept through the alarm for the second one.

i wish i could have flipped the sessions i missed.

in the one i made it to, the dbt skills coach asked

“what is it about yujin?”

i had been talking about being annoyed at myself for spending a year lamenting one person, only there for a season or two.

so i rambled and tried to pre empt what i assumed to be the point they were driving at.

it’s not that it’s anything no one else on the planet could do for, or give me [ramble ramble ramble] and they’d be helping my little sister with her math homework [ramble ramble ramble] and my dad said “she’s so good that if anything goes wrong with this relationship it’s his fault” [ramble ramble ramble] no he really meant it, i heard him on the phone once with my mom when he didn’t know he was on speaker phone [ramble ramble ramble] and i really feel like my family genuinely just doesn’t like me and i get it i was a difficult child so it’s okay but [rambling continues] ….

eventually i was able to pull it all back together in one slightly more succinct sentiment

“i was glad, elated and thankful even for every horrible thing that ever happened to me because it led me to them, can you imagine feeling that way about a person?”

i had been working on a video, where i take an image of myself every day

the end game changed a few times

originally cataloging the depression of the holidays beating my ass

or cataloging each day till i was able to get FFS

eventually i put a little jokey punch line about cannibalism over it and thew

it up because i didn’t want to be actually vulnerable on the internet and its better for more people if im just a jester

i have to wake up for work in 3 and a half hours

wish id die in my sleep instead!