Apathy of the damned.
Saw a clip from an old film I didn’t bother to keep the name of. A woman was going on with her monologue, in comedic fashion she dictated to a younger female character
“to love is to suffer
one must not love if one wishes not to suffer
but then one suffers from not loving
not loving is suffering and loving is suffering”
so on and so forth with this sort of circular thing yknow. It reminded me of this kierkegaard quote, (in so many words)
“you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”
I think the essence of them share some similarities .
There’s this NBA player famous for his, how do I say… hyper-stoic manner. Even on the rare occasions that he laughs, his mouth just slightly opens a bit and the noise comes out. He’s a bit of a meme because of that, everyone always wonders why he’s the way he is. Come to find out, his adolescence was marked by being a first hand witness to incredible death and tragedy, and his present by an arguably more cruel and ongoing sense of loss.
It’s a bit uncouth to compare the two but,my favorite manga character has a similar backstory, arguably more grotesque. It always catches readers by surprise to learn that the easy going, washed up, erudite gag character came from conditions that can only be described as hellish.
It’s the same way with that actor everyone loves and only seems to have good things to say about.
Makes sense to me though. I realized fairly late that there’s a reason I’ve always been drawn to these types. I’ve always seen myself in them. It’s just like that sort of thing where every time I find an author whose works I relate to so deeply, I learn their lives ended in suicide. Eeeeevery single time! It’s a bit uncanny to see yourself in the eyes of the damned.
My friends and therapists are always surprised to find out that I used to be quite the rageful character. That is to say, I was a very anry young man. I had a lot of great reasons to be angry if I’m being fair to myself. Lots of really really great reasons. One day my dad and I were fighting, and I punched a hole into the wall. I hadn’t realized she was watching until I heard my little sister gasp looking at it. I felt bad immediately, but not nearly as guilty as I did, and still do once I realized that years later, every time she sees a crack or hole in something, she gasps the same way and simply cannot function or be around it. Her phone, her fish tank, the crack in the side walk.
That’s my fault. What seems to be a life long traumatic response to an event she may not even remember, my fault.
If you ask me, my little sister is the greatest human being to have ever been born, and I ruined her just a bit in that way.
I never really let myself get angry after that. I certainly will never punch a hole in a wall again hey.
That’s the core of my chill, there were many events and tragedies that would be considered muuuuch much more horrible that happened to me and led me to becoming this way, but that one burns me the most. More than the bad touches, heartbreaks, or unfortunate luck. I’m grateful for it, because I learned an important lesson, and nowadays I can behave in a way that makes people surprised to learn I was ever anything close to the opposite. There have been several moments in my life where I’ve thought, “I’m grateful for my suffering”
I used to wonder why adults were like “that”
and then I became a teenager and my answer was “you just get tired, life just makes you tired” now I’m an adult and my answer is… well I can’t quite state it succinctly yet. But it has something to do with those two little sentiments from earlier.
You can’t avoid suffering, and if regret is present no matter what choices you make then there’s really no use in regretting anything specifically. What can I do but relax and take it in stride.
I’ll move somewhere sunny, I’ll get a moped, I’ll live simply. I’ll travel where I can. I’ll die without regret.
