something happened

a few years ago i was hanging out with estelle

she insisted we arm wrestle in earnest

this was the height of my gym going frenzy, i knew i was strong

but i was shocked by the difference

i genuinely didn’t believe she was even trying, she was so physically weak.

i asked, “aren’t you scared to be walking around like this?”

“yes!!!!” she responded

in the way that you respond to someone who’s just said something incredibly obvious that you’ve been trying to get them to understand for a while

suddenly it dawned on me

i thought it was nice to never have this fear

but in reality that same fear is what motivated me to lift so fervently

to learn all these different ways of fighting and how to use all these different weapons

i told myself if i ever lost i wanted it to be completely out of my hands, knowing i did everything i possibly could

i told myself i didn’t want to ever be in the position where anyone could get me

i didn’t understand that it was just the fear of the traumatized child within me

i had that same fear

something happened today

i don’t know why or how

i have clues, i don’t want to re trace the steps

i can’t feel anything

my face is changing

i can’t feel anything

i can’t make facial expressions

i can’t talk

i can’t feel anything