Jabez

The most probable and expected outcome is of course what came to pass. Complete and total radio silence from both of my parents regarding the letter I emailed to them. I sent it to all their various email addresses and asked my sister to let them know that I’d emailed them and that it was important to me that they read it. I figured at least theyd be curious about it, as for a response I would have been fine with anger, denial, anything but no, nothing. I asked my father about this once, why he just never responded to my texts, it was an on going thing for years. He never gave me an answer. My mother once said that it’s because he doesn’t know what to say or how to answer. It’s not like it was often or ever really anything very touchy or dense that I would be saying to him, no matter what it was, best I could hope for was an “ok.”

An “ok.” Was cause for celebration, it was some sort of acknowledgement of my existence at least. The thing is, if he had ever responded with “I don’t know” or “I need some time to think about that” I would have been more than satisfied, and even more willing to wait however long he required. Silent universe, silent god, silent parents. Silence is a far more harsh response than any hurtful thing they could have said to me is the thing.

I’ve spent quite a lot of time and energy the last two years lamenting the loss of my family, the loss of my partner. I didn’t realize as it was occurring but, these were quite devastating blows, the fallout of which have been ruinous, necrotic. I feel however, in a strange way, cleansed. I’ve gotten it all out of me, this was all the closure I needed and now I can focus once more. In this aspect or avenue, this detour my constitution has taken the past two years - the word that now comes to mind regarding my current condition is “Sterilized.”

I discussed all this aloud with myself as I walked down the street on the way to 7/11.

“The natural reaction of course, is to feel like you have to withdraw and isolate from people entirely, but even on a level of pure systems and math, that simply isn’t a logical or even viable course of action. Really what it comes down to, is that you’re afraid of people and the power they can have over you, you’re afraid of abandonment, and where does that stem from? Of course, mommy and daddy didn’t love you enough.”

This sort of thing. It’s true, I was correct, I am very afraid of people, for very many good reasons. With this on my mind, I noticed it even presently as I walked back carrying my taro chips, honey, hazelnut chocolate truffles, and roasted oolong iced tea. I was positively beaming about these little treats until I

Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, the whole long flowery anecdote and observations. The point ultimately was going to be that it is sad, and I am sad. Less in an emotional way, more in a matter of fact, observational, status sort of way. Just inherently, consistently, permeatingly, off-puttingly, sad. Like to the point that it’s boring.

I am and have always just been a deeply sad person, with a deeply sad life. That’s it. That was the whole point of all this.

Sterilized.