Someone should hug the exhaustion out of my body
endless desires supposedly means endless suffering, so sometimes in passing i’ll have the thought “ i should let go of chasing after anything”. I’ve never actually sat down to account for the more constant desires I have though so let’s see.
I want to be able to fund my lifestyle by doing work of my own that i find meaningful and enjoyable (i believe this is doable for me)
i want my family to love and accept me wholeheartedly (this doesn’t seem plausible)
I want to travel to a few places that interest me (i’ll get to this soon)
i want surgery so i can have a face i like seeing (working on it)
I want community, connection and intimacy (i think this is possible)
i would really like it if my family didn’t have to suffer because of a lack of money, even if they don’t treat me very well i would enjoy it if they were okay in that regard.
I really don’t believe that I’m asking for too much. Work hasn’t been terrible so far, I just need to remind myself it’s a stepping stone to trying to get to those other points and places i think would help me enjoy life more. Whenever I stop to think about everything on my plate, i feel very discouraged. I feel overwhelmed is what it is, makes me want to not even start in the first place. But yknow I did spend 9 or so hours doing my hair last week, I have hiked up and down a mountain 4 hours each way and the view was totally worth it, i did somehow find some success against impossible odds in this online space also. I know i’m capable of it all, the issue is just that it always takes so much out of me. I’m just so exhausted all the time, I need things to be easy for a while, to have it all just work out and come to me. That can’t be so impossible right? If I let go of all of that stuff the suffering could possibly end but then I think i’d be facing a different kind of despair and regret. I think that’s more painful. I read something once that you’ll always have problems , you just have to figure out how to have good problems. I get that, i think my current problems are at least, okayish compared to what it would be like to feel the same sense of regret i did when i was overdosing that one time. That’s a lot more painful.
Oh but I’m so so so tired! Did I tell y’all that i bought cigarettes again? i had a really rough week and went back to them, now i’m quitting all over again. I need to be held for just a little while, oh man. I’m really fading away. oh man I’m tired.
There was a adult actress named Cody Lane, I was far far too young to be watching her videos back when I did but yknow. I saw her in some really extreme shit one day and it made me feel as though “I have sand in my heart” but I kept going back to it. I always really felt horrible afterwards I can’t quite explain why but I had a real soft spot in my heart for her, there was just something about her that made me sad, I can’t quite articulate the feeling. These days I really fucking hate porn and it’s an incredible chore for me to even engage with the stuff but I still remember Cody. She passed away in 2021 unfortunately. I wish I could send a letter to whatever life may be next to let her know I’m still thinking and care about her as a human being. If I think about it too long, or think about the other video with the girl who broke down and kept apologizing the same way I did when I finally broke in high school, the grief threatens to consume me.
Tonight I said goodbye to a girl I never met irl, the same one I keep talking about. It made me sad. Sad sad sad sad sad sad sad every day, so many things, so sad.
Why am I such a gloomy person?
