I forgot my little sister’s birthday.

“slaughter your obsession with other people’s opinions.”

On a whim I decided to download one of those astrology apps and that was the message waiting for me according to my chart. I’m not entirely sure why I downloaded it. As much as I want to, I don’t believe in astrology. The implications of it are so horrid. That’s another thing I’m obsessed with; the implications. I find myself taking great offense to things people say to me not because of the words themselves but rather the implications of whatever they’re saying. For example, “why didn’t you do X thing Y way?!”

This will drive me up a wall because if I knew better I’d do better (not always true but usually the case) therefore an implication I read from a situation like that is that the person thinks I’m acting simply out of malice as opposed to genuine honest ignorance. The word ignorance has bad connotations these days but it truly simply does mean a lack of knowledge.

There’s a comedian I used to enjoy quite a lot who has a joke about it, something involving a dishwasher and his wife being mad about something involving that. The punchline is something like “do you know how much more of a piece of shit that would make me? that I deliberately chose to blah blah blah”

I don’t remember the joke, I haven’t watched any of his specials in 2 years. I used to watch them religiously and was even signed up to his mailing list so I’d know as soon as anything he made was released. I loved his tv show especially. One day my ex started a fight because I’d recommended the show to someone while on stream. They really hated him. I think they had fair reasons, but at the time I felt it wasn’t quite fair or relevant. There were a lot of moments in the show dealing with surreal existentialism. A lot of very trippy sequences. I watched an episode in 2014 that still haunts me ten years later.There was a character that appeared only twice in the show. Her name was Liz, but during their first meeting she convinced the main character that her name was “tape recorder”. She said her parents were a very dysfunctional couple and were always arguing. They could never settle on a name for their new baby so one day in a heated argument the mother just pointed to the nearest object and said “there! that’s what her name will be!” It was a tape recorder. The comedian’s character looked on in abject horror, shock, sympathy. A few seconds passed and then Liz cracked a smile, started laughing hard. I did too. The comedian (the show’s main character) went on to have the most magical and funny date with Liz. This was especially important because being a comedian of his caliber, not much was genuinely funny to him because he could predict the structures and punchlines of any jokes being told to him. But Liz, Liz was really funny. He was immediately in love with her, and I was too. Their date ended with them standing on a new york city roof top, Liz was laughing and smiling, then all of a sudden a look of terrible sorrow came across her face. Like a flip had switched. Just like that, for no good reason, she was terribly sad. She left and the date was over.

Liz was just like me! That happens to me all the time! To this day, Parker Posey (the actress who plays Liz) is my favorite. I cut that moment from the show into frames showing the shift in her mood in that moment. It’s the cover for this entry of the blog. Liz disappeared from the show. The comedian spent a few episodes looking all over new york for her, and never found her. A season or two later, several years in real time, on a random city bus, he saw her again. They picked up right where they left off, so happy to see each other. Then her nose started bleeding and she collapsed. He took her to the hospital, it was new year’s eve, she died a few minutes before midnight. The doctors all rushed on to celebrate. If only I’d known that I would have my own brush with death on new year’s eve with doctors that explicitly told me they’d rather be out celebrating new years a few years later.

All that is to say, the comedian and his work had a massive emotional impact on me. Of course I never explained any of this to my lover. We just argued till we were both exhausted. I haven’t watched anything by him since.

Anyway, implications. The implications of astrology, or any sort of god or higher power being real are horrifying. I immediately always think, “what about the people I saw starving or toiling away to death in my home country. Were they simply not manifesting hard enough? Why do white girls with cards get to have everything but the people praying desperately in my homeland get nothing?

I don’t think people think about the implications of the things they say or do very much. But that wasn’t the point of today’s entry.

The point was that the astrology app was correct. I’m obsessed with what people think of me. One of my biggest fears is what happens if everyone who’s come to support me online decides they hate me for some reason or another, or think I’m a piece of shit. I had literal nightmares about it for a few years when I first started gaining popularity on the internet.

It takes most of the fun out of making things for the internet. I’m obsessed with whether or not people will like it. I constantly ask myself why I even do what I do.

Well…

I genuinely enjoy shooting and editing videos, and whatever money I make from it is nice, no matter how little it may be. I love most of all the friends I’ve made because of it. Plenty of good reasons to go on, and so I do. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t constantly and currently very disheartened by the stagnating or dwindling numbers. I notice when people disappear, stop watching, stop joining streams etc. Of course at the end of the day if I was good enough to maintain their attention and adoration then that wouldn’t be a factor but I suppose I’m not.

I’ve said it before, I very frequently think about disappearing from the internet. Ghosting everyone, and going away somewhere remote.

There is an allure though, equal or perhaps even greater. What if I could earn my freedom? What if I didn’t have to go clock in at some back breaking job where I had to tolerate the attitudes and idiocy of what one of the voices in my head would refer to as “inferior and idiotic creatures” what if I could wake up and only make or do the things that I want to do?

There’s also the idea that I want to leave something worthwhile that can encompass all that I am post mortem. Perhaps it’s this journal, or the travel show I’m working on. I think I’d be satisfied with those two projects being my memory. My digital ghost. I think that’s why I continue to work on them so fervently. Since I was in middle school I’ve had a very strong feeling that I’m going to die next year. As in 2025. More so than I’m afraid of dying, I’m afraid of 2025 coming and going, with me still being alive.

I saw an interview with Louis Malle. He said he found it very romantic, the idea of dying at a specific age, he planned to commit suicide then. He says in the end he realized he didn’t want to commit suicide, he just didn’t want to become an adult.

I asked myself if it was the same for us but I can say with perfect honesty that it isn’t. Being a kid was awful! Horrible,incestuous, painful, brutal, disgusting, vile!! . I still have not recovered from it, but as an adult, I can do whatever I want. I can go anywhere, I can fight, I can defend myself! I write the words but no one will ever truly understand how sincerely and honestly I mean it when I say one of my deepest desires is to best an assailant in combat and then devour them! I want to bite into their neck, feel the gristle, the arterial fibers and the hot blood spray into my mouth! I’m an amazing fighter! It’s been proven time and time again! I’m strong! I’m powerful, I’m magnetic, I’m alluring, I’m promiscuous and I’m wicked! People ask now to fuck me! I’m an adult! I love being an adult! I’m not a helpless child to be beaten and molested any longer!

“sounds like some very petulant, childlike thinking to me.”

I agree.

Point being, it’s not that I don’t want to become an adult. It’s that I have a burning desire to disappear. Ironic considering everything I do is a plea for immortalization, even if only on your screens. So I’m at odds with myself, torn. An oxymoronic existence.

This has always been the case.

What sort of baby has such shrewd and cunning thoughts while being not but a year old?

Me.

I’m truly a terrifying creature, and I hate myself.

The punishment comes built in. Perhaps that’s the core of wanting to disappear. If I can escape myself, I can escape my punishment.

But as they say

Wherever you go, there you are

and here I am.

I’m awful and I can’t stop being myself. I think that’s really funny actually.

post script.

Maybe Liz got sad because she was “having too good of a time” as she put it, while being aware of her terminal illness. I’m not sure, there’s no proof that she knew of it at the time. Maybe it’s the same for me.

post post script.

While searching through some files, I found an art piece I made several years ago. Look how sickening. I was always this way I suppose.

Alternate title for this entry: Daddy’s Girlfriend pt.2

“not that any one cares”

you’re probably right.

Anyway, hang in there.

** I decided to check out the comedian’s latest special. One of his first jokes was “I know it’s hard to be my fan these days” he goes on to talk about how everyone in the audience has someone they don’t want to know they’re at the show that night. He ends the joke with “sorry for all the trouble i cased ya.”

I laughed, and thought about that argument with Yujin again. I’m laughing but I feel sick also. A lot of the jokes are hitting too close, too raw, I could cry, I’m laughing at the same time.

I’m losing consciousness with a smile on my face.

hey i’m beggin ya though, email me if anything at all. Just to say hi or ask any silly question. I like hearing from you all.

I’m going back into the jungle so I may take a while to get back to you but

well idk

it’s just nice is all.