Darjeeling & Lapsang Souchong!

  I was reminded by a comment on reddit that a One Piece themed D&D campaign by one of the one piece youtubers I enjoy the most existed. It ran for 2 years and had finally come to an end. I’ve always been fond of the concept of Dungeons and Dragons but never got into it simply because I didn’t and still don’t have a friend group of any sort to play it with. Those of you even a tiny bit familiar with me know that One Piece is just about my favorite thing ever (literally one of two reasons I don’t kill myself) so to find a One Piece themed D&D campaign with over 75 hours of content was, as you can imagine, incredibly exciting for me. 

  I got up, and cooked a nice dinner for myself, listening to the campaign as I sliced garlic thinly, boiled pasta, chopped up cilantro etc etc. My meal was tasty, the campaign was lovely. By all accounts and measures, a much lovelier night than the one before. Though I still ache, I felt content. After eating and cleaning up a bit, I decided to watch some tiktok, and now I find myself depressed, and incredibly pessimistic about nearly everything. 

  If I didn’t open the apps every day, if I didn’t see it immediately every time some horrible tragedy occurs, my day to day experience would be better right? 

  I used to be very addicted to this game called League of Legends. Honestly it’s incredibly fun, hard to get good at, super mentally stimulating etc etc. It also has the worst reputation in gaming because of how frustrating and toxic an experience playing it often is, especially if you’re playing in the very serious ranked games. Whenever I would express my frustration with the game to someone, I would say, 

“I could have the best day in the world, everything would be perfect, everything would go right, I could find a million dollars etc etc. and if I played a few games of league during that day, it would be ruined and I’d find myself upset”. 

Yet, I’ve played league of legends for about 10 years now, and still probably will occasionally when I get a new PC. It’s the same with all these social media sort of things yknow? Just so obviously bad for me and yet. 

  I need to slow down, and make the world smaller, and only worry about today, so on and so forth. 

I think I’m still reeling from last night perhaps. I just feel overwhelmed really. As I sat there, wave after wave of grief would crash upon me so violently. I kept having the thoughts 

“I’m not gonna make it, I can’t survive this anymore, It’s too much, it’s just too much!”

and then the despair from those thoughts would pull me under again, only to have the waves crash on me whenever I managed to come back up for air. 

I gotta tell you gang, I really feel like I’ve given up. I don’t know anymore. 

If I could be doing anything right now, I’d be surfing inside a tube, somewhere tropical and beautiful. I could do it too, I could just go. But right now I’m thinking it’s a good idea to stay in one place maybe and try to build up this whole streaming and video dream of mine yeah? But also like, what if I just got a really good laptop and a nice camera and I just went? But then what would I do? what happens when the visas run out or the savings do? Would I go back to my hometown,sleep in my old bedroom ? Suffer more abuse and feel horrible about myself? I’m sure there’s a way things work out okay though, who knows. Money money money money, all about the money always. 

It’s all so tiresome.