Hey Mr. Silverman

I’m fairly certain I can actually feel my brain becoming more and more atrophied from being inside all day and not talking to anyone IRL. How many weeks now has it been? months? years? I’ve really gotta get outside and make some friends, another good reason to move somewhere warm, then I’d have one less excuse to be cooped up inside so much.

As I type, I hear people opening the front gate of the apartment and then the front door, and past my own door down the hallway, giggling and laughing.

Hmmm… Usually when I’m around people and they’re laughing my heart rate increases and I wonder if they’re laughing at me, these days I find myself wishing I was in the group laughing with them, I suppose that’s progress. When I am in a group of people I feel so paranoud and self conscious, but at the same time I hate the kind of people who complain all day about their problems and don’t take any steps to solve it so…. I guess that’s what I’ll be working on this year, move somewhere warm, join a good group of friends that I’ll see in real life at least once a week and I don’t have to be the one that always initiates things only to be denied, aaaannddd start my travel food show…. yep!

“The travel show?”

Yeah the travel show. Y’know up until I moved into this apartment I always felt like I wanted to live perpetually on the road. I didn’t want to settle anywhere or stay anywhere for a particularly long time, but now that I’ve experienced what it’s like to have a safe home, I actually quite like it. On top of that, traveling constantly is very jarring, very tiring! It’s nice to know you have somewhere to go back to.

The going back is most important or meaningful to me. Going back.

I think I’ll go have a cigarette, brb.

Okay!

What a perfect night for a cig, warm enough, no wind, really just perfect. In front of me, at about, 11:00 (in the sense of direction) I saw someone working on the computer in front of their apartment window. I’m not sure if they were working or playing a game, either way they didn’t seem to be having much fun.

at closer to 9:00 (still in the sense of direction), Gia and Angel’s room, they’re laughing about something, I think Angel is playing League or Overwatch. I start stewing with jealousy until a rabbit hops out from the darkness, and past me, and further in front. I think its looking for food, it was a very funny rabbit, I laughed out loud at its behavior, perhaps a little too loudly. (I’d hoped someone would hear me and come join me outside, but alas…)

What were we talking about?

“The going back”

Ah yes!

I was thinking about this on my way back from buying laundry detergent and paper towels from walgreens. My favorite cashier wasn’t there to flirt with me today sadly. The sun was already quite high, and I was thinking about how important it is for me to move somewhere with lots of sunshine once more. And then I thought, wow, when I was a baby growing up in west africa, I must have been absolutely cooking in sunlight so frequently, and it was probably very good for my development. I thought about how if I had a baby somewhere like Chicago, it wouldn’t get nearly enough sunlight, and it would probably grow up deficient in a lot of things. “Wow, we really are creatures of the sun.”

I really should go back to my home country. Going back… going back… I think for me love is defined by the going back. Love in all senses, the philadelphic sort and all others. It doesn’t take much for me to start thinking about cutting things off and running away, in fact I often do, but…. BUT, I always go back to the people I love I think. I always say after a while, “it is what it is, just forget about it, lets go get some food, etc etc.”

Responded to some texts, smiled at some folks.

It ain’t much, but its sumn! For me its a lot!