dead flies on my window sill

I’ve been curious as to whether or not I can fake my way into having a relaxed mindset. “Fuck it man it’ll all work out okay!” super chill. Erudite stoner as they call it. I’ve been consuming media with such characters to try to download that personality. It seems to diametrically opposed to the way I currently am that it may be a difficult download.

Last night was “The Big Lebowski”, prior to that, surfs up.

Chicken Joe and The Dude both kinda get their shit kicked in accidentally, just by sheer circumstance. Be it cannibals or pornographers, massive waves or questionably queer germans.

Though there may be expressions of frustration, both characters do ultimately just sort of go along with whatever is happening.

The dude especially, is quite adept at handling punishment. That in particular, is something I know with certainty that I can do.

Here I am once more at the altar for flagellation. When I tell people I love punishment they are always flabbergasted. Either at the concept or in the brazen way with which I exclaim it. You see, sometimes people interpret that as a sexual thing.

Understandable, I wish I could have my needs gratified in such a way. Unfortunately, I’m cursed with strength enough that it could never truly be authentic in the way that I want it.

Once a friend showed me the bruises on her ribs. She, similarly, longed for punishment. I envy her still.

Physical punishment I’d enjoy too much for it to really be punishment. Even a broken bone holds some pleasure for me. Emotional punishment though, it’s almost- no it is in fact hilarious how I try to run away. The frenzy, the fear. Immediately my instinct is to flee, but the root of my suffering is within mine own heart and mind. San Diego, New York, London, Reykjavik, Hamburg, Dublin. Anywhere I go, there I am. Dissonant whispers precipitate upon my mind.

Today, once more I listened to “My baby’s blues”. One of the playlists my lover once made for me. It’s especially maddening to hear lyrics like “You’re breaking my heart, you’re doing it all again” , “You’ll always be my true love, you are my destiny.” “Even when you come around you don’t feel the same” so on and so forth. I can’t help but admit I interpret them as coded messages they were trying to express to me when they initially made the playlist. Trying to warn me that I was pushing them away.

Oh well.

There I sat, in an uncomfortable chair facing my windows. In front of my books, and the rose Angel had given me the night before. Listening listening, closing my eyes and listening some more. Laughing about how I made fun of Bella for sitting in front of the window for months on end over Edward, and now I do the same. Listening more, talking the empty space, wondering if Yujin could hear me somehow far out there, wherever they are. I looked to the right and saw on one sill, two dead flies. Almost romantic now that I think about it.

I realized a few weeks ago when it was still summer, that the reason the flies kept ending up on the window sill was that they were trying to get outside. They are attracted to light as I found out after some experiments. That was almost enough to make me not hate them any more. Can you imagine? not having any clue what the hell glass is. Being able to see outside, the place you’re desperately trying to get to, right in front of you, but when you move towards it, no matter how hard or fast you fly at it, you’re stuck, only further hurting yourself.

I’ve started capturing them alive and letting them go outside. Today it wasn’t a housefly but a fruit fly, stuck under a pot lid. It was in a frenzy trying to get out. I got the idea to put some dish soap over the only hole it could escape from. That would trap it and ensure its death.

Then, I felt bad for it. I picked up the lid and watched it fly off, went back to my cleaning. I hope one day soon, a much larger and more knowledgeable entity will also release me from the glass prison I seem to be trapped in.

Back to listening, back to cleaning, back to the dissonant whispers and eternal howling. Will my melancholy ever cease!!?

Most likely not, I listened to a song today called ‘How to never stop being sad’

Repeat to yourself that they’re not really gone

Time has proven that fooling yourself into believing a lie

Is the most effective way to deal with things you have no control over

Keep listening to the mixtapes they made you

Overanalyze every single word you hear

It’s as though I wrote the song myself. Not a single unique experience on this plane of existence huh?

hahahahahahahah

Is anyone reading this?

Thank you for doing so.

I don’t know why I publish these, they’re actively bad for my brand and relationships and all that but.

I can’t seem to help myself.

Selfish and vain, I want someone to know of my suffering and my joy and that I never ever stopped loving my man.

Always have, always will.

I was here.

Aniki was here.

In the video game currently devouring the free hours of my day, when I click on my companion, my character says “First in my heart” as she walks over.

Isn’t that beautiful?

It’s my own fault, I took things for granted, and I behaved shamefully.

I accept my punishment, and I love my man. That’s all there is to me.

I was put on this earth to grieve and so grieve I shall.