I could always live in my art but never in my life.
173.1 lbs
It was dark. We were breathing heavily, I looked down at her face and I asked her
“What do you want?”
and she said “whatever you’ll give me.”
and then we began the best sexual relationship I’ve ever experienced.
For me, obsession always begins after the fact. Posthumously, so tonight I find myself looking her up, she’s shaved her head again. I always loved the way she looked when she shaved her head.
I wonder if this is all there’ll ever be for me, memories of short lived bliss and a creeping, inappropriate obsession.
I’m on a dating app again and the first answer to a prompt goes something like
Dating me is like
I sorta kinda can’t feel things but I’m a great cook and an even better lay so
27 Nonbinary Pansexual 6’1
Chef/Internet Dollars
Agnostic
Honolulu
Other
Figuring out my dating goals
I travel a lot a lot! which historically can make things difficult but I’m truly open to anything
Monogamy, Non-monogamy
anything goes
and then of course videos, pictures etc.
I am simply bewildered every time someone likes my profile, but then again it was made very clear to me with that whole “Danger! Do Not Enter!” meme that was trending for a while that people can’t help but walk into very obvious well…. danger.
I received some letters today, one from a friend and the current object of my desire, another new budding obsession, they spoke of-
Yknow, Birdie, I was very disappointed not to see a letter from you. How could you? I thought we had something so special between us hahaha ha ha haaaa. ha.
Where were we? I’m assuming you had a point you were leading up to?
Un! Yes! I suppose, I shouldn’t be too surprised, I actively pursue and run towards danger myself, it makes me feel…..something. Its not fear, I’m very familiar with fear, its yellow, bilious and makes me nauseous, it makes me shaky, untethered and transparent. Fear only visits me when my mind conjures up fantastical and supernatural things that could never be. When it comes I feel a pending annihilation. I hate being afraid, I hate that the only thing that can make me afraid exists in my own head.
The things normal people fear do not frighten me, rather they…… turn me on. But the things normal people would laugh at or enjoy in a film or even find cute! Those imaginary things that can never be, that can never actually harm you, completely unravel me.
I screamed while on a date at the music box theater in Chicago with Rory seeing Asteroid City. That claymation alien haunted me for a year, Rory thought it was quite adorable.
I suppose its funny in a way.
I find myself once more thinking about “whatever you’ll give me.” It appears frequently in my mind, alongside “I wonder if it’s your fault. I wonder if you’ve got anything but scraps to give.”
“whatever you’ll give me” makes me want to rip my t-shirt with my teeth - ah, I dared to like one of her pictures, and now she’s messaged me. Her message says “you.” I’ve responded with “you.” I hope she has horrible things to say to me.
More than anything I desire punishment, more than anything, people keep meeting me with kindness and understanding.
I digress.
“whatever you’ll give me.” implies that whatever I have to offer is enough, and I think that’s why it was so potent. Not to sob and dawdle in a maudlin puddle of my own sorry but, That’s the only time I’ve ever been enough, and that felt good.
“ I wonder if you’ve got anything but scraps to give.” rips away everything. No personas, no disguises, no charm. It render’s me naked and my bareness is on display.
I can’t bear to be seen, diminished as I am.
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he was God.”
Indeed. And I hate to be found out.
post script.
I throw up these warnings so that I can justify it to myself. If you present yourself to me, I will devour you. I will destroy you and then say, “oh well, I warned them.”
———————-
i got your letter about a week ago, right before we finished moving out
im happy to see that you are still up and kicking
what auspicious timing, I wrote you from my hospital death bed after being told of a mistakenly short prognosis
oh how nice
I'm happy to see you are still up and kicking as well, where are you moving to?
still in the same neighborhood just different place
not in the basement
not flooded and riddled with black mold
you make me laugh so easily
I was just stalking you again and couldnt help myself but like the picture, forgive me for disturbing your night
my favorite skill
wasnt disturbed by u
was disturbed by the apparent warzone outside of my apartment that woke me up
I sent them to make all that racket so you’d wake up and see my like
