Indomitable Human Pizazz
A year or two ago during one of my live streams, someone came into chat and asked “what happened” to me. I was confused by what they meant initially till they elaborated on the sentiment that they felt I used to be so “high energy, and spontaneous” but now I seemed dull and depressed. I got mad at the person while admittedly choking back tears and my lovely chat came to my defense heckling this person out of there. As they left, they said something to the like of hoping I felt better soon.
Not long after that, I ended the stream, I couldn’t seem to get myself back into the groove of things.
Early last year, I had start talking to someone in a romantic sense. She also made content online, she was an actress, and was frequently going to photo shoots etc etc she was quite amusing actually, I would describe her in that very same way, “high energy, spontaneous”. One day we were talking and she admitted to going through my youtube channel,(I hate when people in real life see my online presence/persona so I do my best to avoid or hide the subject but it inevitably comes up each time.) It was all good until she made a similar comment: “what happened to your pizazz!?”
Apparently I had “pizazz” in my earlier videos that was now missing. Shortly after, I went back and tried to sit through the grueling experience of watching back my own videos. Admittedly, yes that sort of spark is gone.
coincidentally, just now, at 6pm today, someone in my DMs said “you look like you got some spark back”
Sometimes I really feel like the universe is winking at me.
I don’t know what happened or when it happened, I'm not sure if it can be attributed to a single event, or even a collection of them, but at some point along the way, I got too tired, and I sank into apathy. I’m helpless to solve the problems around me in the world that we’re all wrestling with at the moment, I can barely even seem to help myself sometimes. I don’t feel like trying anymore, I don’t want to play, I don’t want to participate, I don't want to do much of anything I’m supposed to at all. I’ve spent my whole life up until this point doing everything with such force. Everyday has felt like a real battle for so long, and now I don’t have it in me to fight. So, now I sit here, things come to me, or they leave. I wish I could commit fully to this completely passive way of being, but for some reason, there’s always that little voice inside my head, egging me on still.
Something happens when I turn on the camera, or when I’m faced with having to interact with someone, suddenly I transform into this other version of myself, that person is always so charming and charismatic, always cracking jokes, always flirting. It’s like watching a film from behind my own eyes. I can’t seem to quit and just die, whether figuratively or literally. Malaria 3x, Sepsis 1x, Serious and close suicide attempts 2x, near death experiences 4x etc etc etc. Seems like nothing is too good at taking me down, no matter how badly I may want them to at some point.
No matter how bad it gets I somehow always look forward to hopping on stream, when I’m editing a video at 4am and it seems like my eyes are about to fall out, I feel fulfilled. I so often think about deleting everything and disappearing off the internet forever, but I keep coming back. To crack more jokes, or make more dumb shit. Even if that spark is gone.
I heard or read somewhere sometime, a quote from some monk, “when I was a younger man I was like a tiger! Now I am like a house cat. I’m very happy to be a house cat!” It stuck with me for some reason. I don’t think I’m quite like a house cat, maybe more like a stray. But even so, it’s taken an incredible amount of violence for me to become even a tiny bit less like that tiger I think. I’m not as much of a wild person as I once was.
I want to have a house where my friends can live and make their art, without having to worry about money, I want to have a cafe and a flower shop where everything is dirt cheap or free. I want to make enough money to fund nationwide homeless shelters.
2 days ago I decided to commit to being a failure who never graduated any type of school, who was born in the floor in Africa and now sleeps on the floor in America. I don’t want to go back to school, or earn a certificate to get a stable, profitable office job. I want to make my little videos and hang out with my friends. If I die a failure who never achieved those goals I believe I’m truly fine with it.
Even though I’m exhausted, I still want to do all those things.
I think that counts as a little bit of pizazz still right?
