“diagnosed psychopath”

college memory i haven’t accessed in years avails itself to me today. honestly to say i remember it is a stretch really, just bits and pieces.

common area, curved couch. ***** is saying something to me like “honestly no one has ever made me cry as much with just words as you” something like that. i don’t remember really. something to the effect of through spats, arguments(?) some way except physical i’ve cut her down and deep. i was genuinely surprised, no clue really what she was talking about. actually bewildered by the whole thing.

i was telling my therapist last Thursday that when my first “real” serious girlfriend ever started seeing a therapist, her therapist told her i sounded like a very manipulative person.

when the girlfriend told me this, i was (much like in that scene to come years later) truly so baffled. incredulity doesn’t even come close to describing it.

me? manipulative? i was the most sincere guy in the world!!! I really genuinely couldn’t believe it. Of course, the therapist was right. I wouldn’t come to realize it until some time later when i observed myself having the thought

“it’s like if i leave myself on autopilot, i just do bad shit, it just happens!”

i understand now that im radioactive, and that i’m more of a butcher’s knife than a friend to anyone but

i dont know

i guess i was just born rotten? or whatever made me rotten did so far too early. way before i had a chance against it.

i don’t know, im not sorry, i really haven’t given any of this stuff a second thought till it came up in therapy and

?

sometimes she’ll ask me a question about an experience, my thoughts on it, or present an idea to me and ask me to think about it and

i really struggle yknow? i can’t think past this giant black wall that exists 2 layers behind my eyes, i can’t get past it, i can’t access anything,maybe there’s nothing beyond

i really

i just don’t think about this stuff i can’t access it and i try really hard and she watches me struggle until i admit that im finding it difficult to understand and we move on

and

this is all i am isn’t it?

not actually smart, not kind, not a good partner, not a good friend, not a good kid or sibling.

not good

just not good?

i mean, okay?

i guess?

that’s it?

i’m not sad about it, i recognize it would be better if the opposite were true but

it can’t seem to be so

i guess this is it

i’ve really

i’ve had a ball!