spaces between lies

laughter

A friend told me last week. They watched me laugh for a second, and then my face dropped immediately back the usual blank, stony visage.

I wasn’t aware.

I’ve started paying attention since she said that.

I notice it now, but I also notice the internal experience behind it.

I’ll be laughing, and then I’ll remember the rest of my life, laughter stops.

Or, I’ll laugh and realize as I am, that there’s no actual feeling behind it. Once more, laughter stops.

Today I went on a date, I had a good shift at work, got myself some fun treats and such. Basically all the things yknow.

Spend time with a beautiful woman, eat delicious food, take care of your health, do meaningful work, etc etc etc.

Still, inside rings hollow.

Distressing.

Plagued by the shadows in the periphery.

Distressing.

I accept it.

I wanted to be real. To have substance as an entity.

What if I was honest about what I am. No one believes the words. One day I’ll figure out how to stop being invisible, and every one will see.

I told the psychiatrist yesterday that if I was around my parents for long enough, I would kill them and eat them.

This isn’t the sort of thing you should admit. But I didn’t know it until it was already said. I wasn’t aware that I’m still so angry.

The nicotine gum burns my throat, but it kills my appetite. It makes me nauseous and lightheaded, I can’t stand.I’m starving. I’m fasting. Praying to nothing.