@user-rx7ky4go9k: “you think you have it all and then it's gone.”

It’s part of a comment under a youtube playlist called “you're over them | escape reality with this playlist”

God bless the algorithms truthfully.

I started tonight’s stream and then my camera died. It said the battery was exhausted and refused to work any longer. Me fucking too eh? I still have to go to work though.

I was talking to myself earlier, or having an imaginary conversation rather “you have to have a reason for doing the things you’re gonna engage in, because when the shit starts, if you dont have a really good reason, you’re just not gonna do it”

willpower is really a bullshit concept at the end of the day.

user-rx7ky4go9k had apparently known this girl for 14 years, they started dating 5 years ago, they had a two year old son together and then she realized shes changed too much and that they’re no longer compatible. It was after that back story that he dropped the line “you think you have it all and then it's gone. good luck to everyone feeling like i am out there. thinking of you guys”

Isn’t that sweet of him? I have this feeling that one day on my death bed I’ll think of user-rx7ky4go9k and his comment. I feel like sometimes I can look into the future and see myself reaction to something from the present. My small moleskine journal had fallen on the floor, and when I picked it up I noticed Shania had signed her name on one of the back pages. I had asked her to test out a new pen I’m quite enthusiastic about. She shares my enthusiasm for pens.

I could suddenly see myself in the future, looking through my journal. Maybe I’ve filled it up and long forgotten about it, and I open it and see her signature, and years of memories and fresh pain will revisit me. I can see it already.

It is with quiet and defeated resignation that I head to bed, to see if I can catch three additional hours of sleep to get me through tonight’s shift.

What’s my why? Oh yeah.

When I told one of my therapists that I felt like I was passively sabotaging myself and this job, she told me to write down everything I have to lose if this sabotage is successful. It’s quite a lot of really important stuff so, I’m aiming to cut it out. I have some pretty important whys. Some pretty good reasons.

They don’t seem to make the day to day any better, the nitty gritty of the suffering is still as grating as ever, they just make it possible to get out of bed and go back for more of the nonsense I suppose. That’s a pretty big deal itself if I’m being fair.

My eyes are always half closed these days. I was always particularly fond of characters who had this feature, so was Yujin. It’s one of the many minor things we had in common that struck me as part of the super duper special for sure connection. Turns out the trope is called “Dull Eyes of Unhappiness” how aptly named. Before this past year my eyes only really got like that when I was enjoying a nice high and so I always thought if I was ever able to just naturally get into the type of mindset or headspace where I was always relaxed as if I was high, then my eyes would be like that naturally, if I’m articulating that well enough for it to make sense to you, my dearest reader.

Turns out the path to the half closed eyes was just to feel like I finally had it all, and then watch it be gone.

Its all just as well.

Do you guys remember when “sanpaku eyes” was trending? It was annoying because people would mention it to me frequently that I had them. Wikipedia says “According to traditional Chinese and Japanese face reading, when the white part of the eye, known as the sclera, is visible beneath the iris, it represents physical imbalance in the body and is claimed to be present in alcoholics, drug addicts, and people who over-consume sugar or grain.”

The most interesting part of the myth to me though, is that apparently those with the eyes always meet a tragic and untimely end. Well hurry up with it already then!

Ahhhh the thing is, I don’t want to pretend positivity anymore. I’m still gonna get up, I’m still gonna try, yadda yadda, but uh yeah, this shit, the overall experience of being as it is currently, yeah this shit fucking sucks.

GOODNIGHT VIETNAMMMMM

p.s. fun fact: I’d finished writing this all, then the page crashed and it was almost all lost. It’s happened a few times with some rather dense posts! Can you imagine what was in them? I saw it coming this time though, and copied the entry before the crash. Maybe I am capable of learning after all huh?