im not really dead
pre script/
people really tried for/with me.
memory: we were doing a class activity in middle school where the objective was to organize all thirty something of us in line in order of our birthday. i watched the various games of charades and signing and thought it all quite silly. i simply used a finger nail and carved my birthday into the opposite arm. For as long as I can recall, I’ve had this condition that renders my skin impossibly soft and sensitive. The lightest scratch will result in welts, irritation, inflammation. It wasn’t a gruesome thing, it was low effort and proved very effective, when the sorting came I’d just show someone my arm and point left or right with a questioning look, made quick work of the whole thing. When the teacher started working her way down the line, I very proudly showed her the temporary scars of * * and * expecting her to immediately recognize, admire, and praise my efficiency, ingenuity, dedication to the task at hand.
Horror and perhaps disgust is all that greeted me. I only realize that in hindsight. Much like the event with the hawks foot I had cut off and paraded around my community college class, I can’t seem to realize in the moment when people are…. disgusted?
She was an odd lady. Young,ballerina thin, not beautiful, very proud that she had dark hair and blue eyes because it was quite a rare combination as she liked to mention from time to time. French (and looked it) very openly republican and not a fan of Obama as she touted in her class political debates. She understandably never liked me much. I was troublesome, disruptive, didn’t do my work, etc. etc. but I always pitied her, she had the look about her of someone with low self esteem, likely due to bullying.
Looked her up as I was writing this, her brother died in 2021. Ugly man, obituary picture is of him holding a beer, can you imagine? I suppose it proves she wasn’t necessarily an ugly duckling in her family, so perhaps the bullying came from classmates…
Horror and disgust though?! was that warranted? perhaps. The closer I get, the more clarity I find, and what I’m learning is, I have always been completely oblivious to how strange, frightening, and horrible I really am.
Kleptomaniac, chronic, pathological liar, promiscuous before puberty,and yet my parents, because they raised me “in the eyes of the lord” insist to this day, that I am in fact, a very good boy.
Can’t blame them, who’d want to admit to creating a monster?
ah, I hear the bells, thank god.
2. two months ago some sort of strange insect with large legs I couldn’t identify trapped in my bathtub. it could not walk up the tub, i watched it try and repeatedly slip back down, i left it alone and went to work. when I came back a day later, it was still there!
i needed to shower, so it had to die. i turned on the shower head gently, to slightly cooler than room temp to mimic rain and the thing panicked! started jumping about all over but just couldn’t get out of the tub. I watched it for a while then washed it down the drain, the next morning i saw its body in the toilet bowl.
a month ago, a gorgeous dragonfly with these unbelievable blue accent colors got trapped inside my floral department, kept trying to fly past the glass. i caught it in a plastic cup, took a video, then released it outside. i like dragonflies, have since i was a child.
today,a bee trapped in between the sliding glass panes of the window in my bedroom. i thought of what to do with it for a while, my first thought was that i’d have to kill it because it was making that buzzing noise that disturbs me so much, then i figured i could just let it starve and die stuck inside the glass. i watched it for a while, trying desperately to defy physics and then eventually it started to try to sting the window frame itself, as though it could kill the house and earn its freedom. i liked that! then another bee landed on the other side of the window, bees communicate with each other right? surely they send out distress signals of a sort or signals for rich deposits of pollen.
in truth, i initially mistook this second bee for a wasp or hornet, and decided i’d much rather have the window closed properly so that couldn’t get in. this is what spurred me into action. i grabbed a cup, caught the bee in it, took a video, and released it outside. after all, i don’t dislike bees.
two out of three. failures or successes? i can’t help but feel these are tests. nonsense of course, but i am after all…yknow, crazy.
divergent paths i could go on perhaps, kill all the insects go one way, save all the insects go another? what does it mean that i killed some and saved some others?
likely nothing,i was watching a lecture on chaos theory prior which is what influenced my decision making. yknow butterfly effects and such, harrowing stuff! but who knows what sort of ripples saving those two may have? i’m excited to see! that’s all it really is anyway, no matter what’s going on in the world, how grand or how tragic, i don’t care! i just like when things happen, i just like to see!
//
11:59
i’ll be good, ill be good next time. ill be good in the next life. it doesn’t matter how badly it starts, ill be good the whole way through, ill be sweet, i wont be a knife.
12:42
it’s quiet and its dark here, i can hear only birds. i can often hear children screaming, playing, running around. their lives have just begun, hasn’t mine also? aren’t i still young? i dont feel young. i feel ancient, and tired.
shouldn’t a certain peace come with that?
i almost asked “why then, this torment” but a mourning dove started singing outside my window. i hope it is mourning me.
last i slept, i prayed to pass peacefully in my sleep, it is my new nightly prayer, in case anything out there decides to listen in one night.
12:55
sometimes i can hear the bells of the church down the street, the sound brings me great comfort. it feels as though a salve is being gently massaged into the large wound that i am. i look forward to the bells every day, i often contemplate walking down and seeing if i could just sit in the cathedral for some hours at a time, i know the place would hold me.
i can never give myself to god, but i would enjoy his company.
2:02
Az texted: “You do not have to stay away from me :( I can take it”
she’s truly so good but “I can take it” isn’t a phrase that should be used when people are discussing your presence in their lives. At least I don’t want that to be the case for me.
It’s a good thing that I’m doing, it’s a good thing, I’m being good. I’m being good, good bye.
2:13
it’s been rainy today, when the rain starts, the birds sing, i wonder why.
2:51
i end up hating everyone i live with while i live with them, for the most part always fine afterwards.there’s always some massive incompatibility i just cannot abide. im the common variable. cohabitation is impossible? humans are social animals no? but i can’t do it, i can’t socialize, i can’t cohabitate. i wondered a few weeks ago if i just have an extremely low tolerance for bullshit, if i’m just sabotaging my life,or if it really has all been strings of bad luck. across neighborhoods,cities,towns, countries continents?
logically, it seems more likely that the problem is me.
i’m reportedly (according to people ive lived with) a great roommate. i cook,i clean, i caretake, i entertain when needed and im out of the way when not.
so…
?
3:00
the capacity was beaten out of me.
12:41
it’s so funny yknow i realize that if i never got on HRT my anger issues would still be a thing and i would be 100% in jail or dead by now.people are often surprised to hear i was a rage monster wrathful creature but man ill tell ya! i used to go blind with fury.
7:22
it’s really never over
7:37
i used to have nightmares incredibly frequently. Jarring disturbing, traumatizing for days and days horrible awful nightmares, often paired with a gorgeous bout of sleep paralysis to just really keep me in the terror state. These days I still have them but not as frequently, I usually forget, and they don’t scare me so much any longer. Often during them, the very realistic ones especially, I would come to a realization “oh this is a nightmare!” and god the relief! I keep having that sensation but, I do not wake up, this is my real life? It’s always felt like there’s an out in any situation I find myself in, but these days, everything is dark. I can’t see, and I stopped being able to feel in the way that would guide me to brighter places, more beautiful places.
12:29
did not hear the bells.
the longer i exist as this particular incarnation of myself, the more i realize my mannerisms and proclivities are shifting into a certain way of being. Once gregarious, talkative, outgoing,etc etc. i now flee into rooms or corners at signs of human life.
“i can go up to anyone on the street and be friends with them in 5 minutes!” was a boast i often touted, now i almost can’t bear to engage in a conversation lasting more than 3 minutes with a person.
the only thing ill miss terribly about life is seeing cool things, and perhaps making some of my own.
i don’t want to be seen or perceived i don’t want to be interacted with,i don’t want to be able to affect the world around me.
i realize my ideal life would be one as a ghost. floating around from place to place, observing all the new wonders of the world, being impartial to it’s horrors, only revealing myself to those i choose, and just as easily disappearing entirely.
coming with an autumn breeze, going with a summer thunderstorm.
11:43
cloudy on sunday
1:12
i’m necessary for you to survive, sinclair. i’m an evolutionary necessity! when war comes,when hunting is needed,when you need to kill someone to defend the people you’d rather see alive, you’ll be grateful for me. i’m the only reason you’ve survived everything till now. the only reason. i know you say you’d rather be dead, but there are blessings yet to come, places to go, flesh to consume, people to siphon, laughter to be shared. you need me.
2:51
fifty one degrees Fahrenheit, “feels like thirty six”
cloudy, windy, dark, rain expected in the next hour, perfect.
i will lay here in the dark, listen to the wind and rain, shiver some, and do nothing.
go nowhere,speak to no one.
sinking further into myself.
4:46
insatiability is common, but i’m still surprised by the endless lust.
truly i usually, a majority of the time, don’t enjoy sex. i dissociate, im bored, im disgusted, im very good at it, i hate it, i always want it.
sometimes i watch porn not even to pleasure myself, just for the stimuli. if i do bother with the act, usually it’s memories of past escapades that get me there.
memories of the scents especially.
i remember the exact smell of everyone i’ve performed cunnilingus upon. my college girlfriend’s especially. she had this long wiry ginger bush i told her not to shave (i tell all of them that i intend to keep for a time not to,i much prefer them hairy) sometimes i swear i catch her scent on the wind. i found a perfume that reminds me of her musk,Electric Fur quite apt. I douse myself in it and go out, flirting with anyone who falls for my dionaeic trap.
i love fragrances for this, people really do react so strongly, so carnally to the correct ones.
The scent, the good boy tattoo, the constant eye contact, the lower by an octave, breathy, deliberate smoothing of voice, more eye contact, repeated use of their name.
easy dance,boring dance, fun outcomes. Once they fall for it, i am bored.
i’ve never been truly satisfied by a partner, good sex with most of them, inedible with 2, but satisfied? perhaps impossible.
endless and tiresome, all of it, everything.
6:04
i have to climb up stairs on all fours, my heart can’t take it otherwise. there is something about it though,quite fun! feels correct, much less arduous, much faster, less energy, feels familiar. i often wish i could run around full speed on all fours, what fun it would be! i’d chase people! can you imagine how scary!? hahaha
7:59
if you know my true name and speak it, then I must answer, I must come.
9:48
if every one of my friends and family members was a billionaire, i’d never have to work, starve, or want for much at all. i wish the best for all around me simply because i stand to benefit quite significantly from that being the case. even if my motivations are “selfish”, if the outcome is wholly beneficial for all involved, then what is the issue?
that being said, we’ve arrived at my final hang up.
if i kill myself, it will perhaps be a net negative for many folks. the argument can also be made that once im gone, no one will ever have to worry about me ever again! i’ve watched many people move on to find happiness and enjoy life after losing someone they love dearly, so, is this better over all?
a therapist told me once that parents actually never get over it, but do i care about my parents more than i wish to escape the hell of being me? it’s surely not all their fault but they did significantly contribute to why i am the way i am, why it’s all so horrible, so, should i be concerned with their wellbeing?
i don’t recognize my sister, and i resent her newfound religious fanaticism, but by all of my estimations, she doesn’t deserve the canon ball sized crater this will put in her soul.
it shouldn’t even be a question right? but, it still feels inevitable for me, i can see it clear as day.
i must say, from the very depths of my being, whatever core there may possibly be inside this husk: i wish i could heal and become whole, and find daily life tolerable. i know, as surely, as confidently, as desperately as can be the case in this reality, that i can never heal. i will never get better.
that in itself is a death sentence.
10:33
ironically, the only way to live is to sacrifice this last fractal piece of me holding on for dear life, holding on for control. If i stop fighting them, if i let myself be annihilated and cease to return, if i let myself fully become the caliban or the typhojem, i can live, but none would recognize me as a friend, a lover, a sibling, as sinclair.
the world, the greater good, the net positive, does not need another creature like that haunting it.
10:56
pain
11:07
maybe it’s my fault and i’m not taking responsibility to fix my life but i don’t want my life, i don’t care about it so
11:18
Birdie, I’m thinking of you. It’s a cold, dark,windy night and i’m thinking of you.
11:22
my mother had me at 26. just 26 years old. can i blame her for not knowing what she was doing? can i- i’ve just been assaulted with an intrusive thought, a reliving of my molestation. Surely you’ll all understand right? surely you can forgive me for being so weak.
11:27
its cold. i’m laying next to the window, i should close it but i won’t. i think i prefer the cold, it feels more appropriate for my moods. the pills are putting me to sleep, i pray i don’t wake up.
11:14
there is almost always someone, or a voice, or an internal monologue inside me that is SCREAMING. it’s quite disturbing, but there’s nothing i can do about it.
11:42
so many of my day dreams are violent, i am transported to this nonexistent timelines and the feeling that fills me- glee, laughter, child like anticipation.
RELEASE ME
Birdie, I see you are looking for me, do not. This exile is what’s best for everyone who knows me.
12:00
I hear the bells, thank god.
1:45
“if there is a god, it isn’t one worth worshipping considering the state of the world and the suffering of humanity”
common thought! makes sense, but- if god is real, and I or people like me are made in its image, then we are comically fucked.
doesn’t matter if it’s a petty, petulant, toxic jealous lover/parent of a god, if it has that much power over you, don’t you only stand to benefit from believing? arguable!
what if god doesn’t care about goodness? what if god isn’t all good?many ancient cultures had this in mind surely, vengeful, jealous gods. hell even the old testament knew this, why now must we insist on his undying kindness?
there is something in the defiance regardless that soothes me, but it’s stupid! but it doesn’t matter, it soothes me regardless! so you defy god and go burn in hell forever? is the pride and solace in rebellion worth it in the face of eternal torment? does it matter?
we don’t care! rebellion for the sake of it was always our nature!
i mean okay sure but
i wont submit!
okay.
2:53
“she’s late by 5 minutes, something horrid has happened, she’s dead.”
6:39
birdie,i am surprised by how often i yearn to be speaking with you, pchelka. does that do something for you? is it good for you?
7:33
i genuinely for my own wellbeing need to move on. i know this,i desire this, it wasn’t even that great a thing in hindsight. i don’t know what has caused this fixation, i don’t understand the mechanics of this obsession that two years later i would still be behaving this way.
9:48
here again that insatiability rears its head. I have an entirely illogical…hunger?desire? Im thinking a lot about the school teacher I went on a few dates with in Chicago. I was so enamored with her as to ignore her frequent mentions of her cocaine addiction, and to wait for her texts over the course of several days, this sort of thing. Terribly terribly annoying but she was a particular flavor of interesting you see. Im not often (almost never) genuinely interested in other people in any sense. Stories are predictable, behaviors are boring or annoying, etc. BUT on rare occasions…. she exists amongst a small cadre in my mind of people I find myself sometimes… yearning for. We only hung out like three times?? several months ago?? yet, yearning.
I sincerely, logically and emotionally, (usually) have no desire for companionship of any sort. When the desire arises, I quickly become annoyed at the thought. The courtship, the games, the rituals, the performance. It’s all so tiresome, it’s all integral to the dance, and I don’t want it. I’m bored of it, I’m annoyed by it, every single time I get it I regret it, I vow to never engage with it again, someone in my head says: “though it is basic human programming, that doesn’t mean it can’t be overcome with discipline and logical thinking” which I truly believe! Unfortunately…. there is the void within, that cavernous maw that howls unyielding and demands to be fed from the affections and attentions of people I find attractive, endearing, or comforting.
“holy mommy issues!”
Isn’t it terrible!?
There are some people, like the old lady at the walgreens in uptown chicago that just… sustain me. I feel fed after a small interaction with them (im only fed when its flirting, or something else charged with sexual energy).
I really loved Jennifer’s Body because of this in particular, it felt like a perfect illustration of that sort of psychic vampirism made carnal, made flesh. After making someone blush (or more) I feel… renewed.
I think this is what I’m craving, that sustenance.
12:00
pills killing me
make me nauseous, make me puke,make me cold, make me sleep.
love to be sick, love to be dying, especially love to sleep.
“you need serious help, we need serious help.”
can’t afford help, dying instead.
1:55
i want to be smelling the heat radiating off someone’s body
2:11
4 well placed punches to the ribs and a fifth to kiss the kidney. delivered by well, my own fists. sometimes it’s not me, sometimes it is. if i can admit something to you, i miss being beaten, i miss being smacked around, so i guess sometimes i just do it to myself with as much strength and martial expertise as i can harness.
as they say, “i’m cooked.”
3:16
the pills hurt the pills hurt the pills hurt the pills hurt
1:17
i become so entirely immersed in these daydreams, it feels like reality and i cant break out. my body reacts as though its really happening to me, and i scream “come back to the present please!” yet its not enough! when I do eventually manage to break out, traces of that false reality still linger. I’m lost.
7:38
if my father was present in my life, the circumstances of my molestation would not have come to be. not that way at least.
it’s not his fault, but i hate him for this.
1:43
the reason is, despite everyone else i met being so wonderful,intelligent, gorgeous, well endowed, patient, personable, generous, etc. etc. there was a deep knowing within me that, no matter how long i spent with them, how much i invested in them, if you even whispered my name, i would fly immediately to your side. if you called, i would fall into temptation.
that to me, seemed unfair to them, dishonest.
you took with you all hope, all love.
4:04
fire alarm, severe headache.
10:37
the most recent friend group i managed to infiltrate would repeat two observations frequently that unsettled me.
“its like amazing how perfectly you fit into our group like it’s unreal”
or something to that effect. once in the car 2 of them asked me to guess whether their thing was mommy or daddy issues and i of course read them with perfect accuracy, they seemed pleasantly surprised more than wary, which… odd. cold reading is one of my favorite little skills i’ve practiced buti don’t show it off because it makes me guarded and uncomfortable, why then were they impressed? were we all so desperate to be seen and understood?
I once even asked “isn’t it strange to you just how perfectly i fit in with you guys?” and they said no! i would be suspicious! it seems they’re not aware just how stereotypically “traumatized, nerdy,autistic,former outcasts just now trying to find their confidence,D&D LOTR enthusiast etc etc” they looked! so of course i played into that!
pairing with the fact that most people in public generally (as i’ve been told) would assume that i’m an athlete, that because of my looks i have a certain social status etc etc (basically their high school bully) and having me instead acting in a disarming fashion, expressing common interests, being open and kind to them meant that there was an eager openness and desire to bond,gain favor, etc etc. that i could exploit.
2. the other thing was “your laugh sounds so fake!” they always said this in a lighthearted way accompanied by their own laughter but it always made my blood go cold. i felt exposed,naked,vulnerable. over the last two years especially, after the breakup, i have consistently failed to maintain the act,to wear the mask properly.
odd to fear exposure and then dump everything publicly on an internet blog.
12:59
i feel strangely at peace.
whenever it does happen, i hope to see my daughter Clementine.
post script
After Dido forces Aeneas to leave, she states that "Death must come when he is gone."
i remember discussing philosophies with my first girlfriend, she seemed upset near the end of the conversation and said “I guess nothing really does matter, and in that case then everything bad that happened to me was for no good reason and doesn’t mean anything or matter.”
she had suffered similarly dark trauma as i you see, we bonded over this partly.
logical reasoning, easy train of thought to predict, yet somehow i missed it completely. couldn’t sort the preemptive calculus to see how the ideas being discussed could lead to a state of upset.
i now think, (for those of you who need this sort of thing)if humans are part of the universe experiencing itself; if you care,then the universe by definition also cares since you’re part of it. if it matters to you, it matters to the universe.if it means something to you, it means something in the universe because you are in it.
a skinwalker like me shouldn’t desecrate the sanctity of the words but, as much as i’m capable of it, in my own twisted, self serving,data gathering, obsessive ways:
i love you.
be vigilant.
