if you want to escape

i haven’t had to lie lately when my friends ask how i’m doing. i tell them im doing fine mostly and that’s true.

for example, rent was due yesterday. i don’t have the money and may not for some time but im somehow not anxious about it for the most part. i felt a flare of anxiety when i woke up to a text from a friend asking for some money to get food, but of course i sent it to her and was happy to. quite often, im the one asking for help. i feel i can never deny someone that help because i so often need it myself.

as i fell back asleep i thought of a video i saw a few days ago, about how “if you want love and generosity and community to flow and thrive, you must be willing to ask for and receive help yourself. you cant be the blockage in the flow because you don’t want to accept the help”

i have so much resentment for that platform, but almost every day it presents to me a video that stuns me and resonates profoundly. i’ve been thinking a lot for the whole week about another video i saw on there. in it, a person said “the only difference between you and i is god’s mercy on my soul”

she believed that her god only gives trials and tribulations he knows each individual can handle, therefore if someone has it harder than she does, it’s only because she wouldn’t have been able to handle it. therefore, she rather admires the poor, the sick, the afflicted, etc.

it’s a nice sentiment, i suppose whatever way one can arrive at gazing upon others with compassion is better than the opposite. i can’t help but wonder however, why god would inflict these conditions upon someone simply because they can handle it.

i can just barely handle my own problems, they threaten to kill me very often and yet still, i carry my weight. i would rather not have to however.

surely an omnipotent god didn’t have to create such conditions where suffering was is required. there’s no explanation for it by human logic that isn’t simply sadistic.

i see the appeal in sadism though, i understand the pleasure in it, so if that’s god’s motivations, i don’t like it, but i understand.

its sentiments like those that make me wonder about myself and whether or not i should be allowed to roam, to be a part of people’s lives. i often feel so depraved, so macabre. i know im crazy, and because of that i should be locked away, and should distance myself from people, but i can’t quite seem to, and even when i try, they make their way to me.

recently, i’ve noticed someone i see often on my daily commutes look at me a certain way. she marks my drinks with a smiley face when she makes them, she bats her eyes, these sorts of things. she’s very sweet, and in a lot of ways reminds me of a lover from back in chicago. i remained unaffected and didn’t entertain the notion until i saw her outside of her work attire last friday. her hair was down, i could see her tattoos, and her perfume! in cartoon fashion , i could almost see the scent crawl up my nose and suffocate my brain.

i couldn’t think straight for two or so hours, my mind was reeling, flashing through what ifs and possible futures, my heart rate spiked! i felt nervous when i thought of her.

and then a thought came to me. it said that such sweet girls like her and indeed my par amour back home don’t deserve to have their futures robbed by mistakenly choosing me. i thought of one of my exes who is now engaged. she fought desperately against our separation. if she’d gotten what she wanted and we’d stayed together, she wouldn’t now be looking forward to what will hopefully be a happy marriage. it was always important to her, and i never wanted to get married or have kids. at the time anyway, it’s too late for me now.

finally i came back to my senses. i knew the voice was correct, i believe it. they don’t deserve to have their futures robbed. i believe it so much, that i didn’t realize till now that i’ve been being especially short with those who insist on being near me.

her phone automatically turns off her notifications at 9pm, so she didn’t see the text where i said i was ready for our facetime. it’s a reasonable explanation, and i believe that she wouldn’t intentionally ignore me or flake on our plans, but still i was annoyed, and therefore i was cold.

it’s really no big deal whatsoever, we’re not bound officially and she doesn’t owe me anything so why am i reacting this way.

when i stopped to think about it, it’s because i wanted to give her a reason to not want to be around me any longer, shes far too sweet to have her future stolen by choosing me. i wanted her to escape.

post script:

i very often imagine scenarios in which im being confronted for why i acted a certain way or did a certain thing. in every one, the only answer i can come up with is:

“im crazy, leave me alone.”