Waleska in the water

Waleska, what a name

wah lesss kahh

Really a joy to say. I once knew a Waleska, also knew a Hallelujah Brown. Halle didn’t like their name, understandably so, christianity is an absolute joke I wish not to be associated with at all in my life let alone so closely bonded to my personhood as to be my name yknow? What a fun name to say though, Hallelujah Brown. It’s such a decadent first name followed by such a simple and commonplace last name it’s really perfect. I don’t remember Waleska’s last name, I don’t know why she’s on my mind so much lately. We met in elementary school, third grade.

It’s funny, when I first started school, I was given the option to skip right to first grade if I wanted, I chose to go to kindergarten because I saw a big slide in the kindergarten classroom and I thought that seemed more fun. I think about how so much of my life is different because of that one little decision. The people I was friends with throughout school, the schools I went to, whether or not I finished highschool or college , like if I went a year earlier I would have finished a year before my great and terrible very public melt down. Would my life be better if I’d chosen to forego the swing? Maybe worse, burnt toast theory as they say.

“hmm?”

Burnt toast theory. Bloke was late to work one morning because he burnt his toast, turns out that particular morning was 9/11 and his office was in the world trade center. Because he was late, because he burnt his toast, he got to live that much longer for it.

“the bad thing actually turned out to be a really good thing”

Correct. Of course that also means he’s alive to suffer more, there’s no guarantee the afterlife, if there is one isn’t just amazing. And the reason all the best people die so young is because they deserve to enjoy it much sooner than the rest of us hey.

Anyway, Waleska. We met in third grade,she was always quiet and terribly meek. We were never quite friends but I was always drawn to her, in hindsight I think because she was so reserved. People like that are always more intriguing no? I’ve accidentally become that way a bit myself these days. I lost track of her once I left elementary school, but funny enough, years down the line I moved into the same apartment complex that she lived in. I’d occasionally see her walking around, we’d wave at each other, she’d smile at me, and we’d continue on our way. I think we only ever spoke once really. It went on like that for years. Obviously eventually I left town and never saw her again but here I am, still thinking about her.

Every once in a while people show up and really get stuck on my mind in a way yknow? For days and days and days if not weeks. One of the first things I do when I realize it is look through the obituaries section of my home town, wondering if I’ll see their names.

James J Murphy Jr. of Charlton, MA passed away at 93 on Sunday February 18th as I was wallowing in my stew of grief and self pity over my birthday.

Gary G Hemmedinger died aged 78 the day before while I was contemplating a suicide note.

I wonder if any of them were glad to die.

Thomas J Maloney, 56, died unexpectedly on February 15th. I feel like 56 is too young, it made me sad to read, but then one of them in my head said “unexpectedly? but dying is the most guaranteed and common thing in the world! It should very much be expected!”

I suppose so, but still.

“On saturday February 3rd,2024, the world suddenly became less interesting when Thomas Lewis Doughton IV…”

Interesting way to phrase it, again the other asks “so did he die because he no longer found the world interesting or what?”

What an interesting sentiment, that a person could be so interesting that the world as a whole because less interesting with their passing. Sweet in a way.

Scrolling scrolling scrolling, looking for people I recognize, looking for Waleska.

Stella Mae Stake, Age : 5 Days

oh.

How cruel.

Within 5 days, to be gifted what they say is the greatest privilege in the world and then to be sentenced to despair for the rest of your life? I feel sorry for her parents.

No Waleska thankfully. I hope I run into her again someday somewhere that isn’t my hometown. I hope she smiles at me again. I think often about how years go by and I’m reunited with people I never really yearned to see again, or people I stopped talking to after bitter bitter fights only for us to be friendly again after so long.

Apparently I’m not one for second chances, it seems I’m harsh and unforgiving with my punishments according to my lovers. It seems I hold on to grudges forever even though I’d swear up and down that I hate holding grudges because they feel awful for me to hold on to, that I can’t stand to leave things on a bad note.

I believe in punishment sure, but I want to believe more in second chances, and things coming back around, and beautiful lucky coincidences. That I’ll see Waleska’s smile again. Cheyenne’s freckles, Raven’s collar bone’s, Mezz’s eyes, Yujin’s teeth, everything I ever lost. Just one more time.

Everything I ever lost.

People with dimples really do have such an unfair advantage don’t they?

Somewhere in the back of my mind, laughter echoes.