dead calm

There’s a sentiment/koan I seem to find myself consistently returning to over the years. It went something like “in my youth I was like a tiger, now that I’m an old man I’m like a house cat.” Not verbatim but the sentiment translates still I’m sure.

When I was younger I had aspirations of fame not for the love,wealth, etc. I wanted to be famous so that when I died, it would hurt a lot of people. I really just wanted to inflict that pain but never thought much deeper about it beyond the surface level, and beyond the thought that suicide is the most painful way to lose someone, and therefore to inflict as much pain as possible, I had to die that way.

Insane stuff really.

I’ve always been this particular brand of fucked up but, the wilder more impulsive aspects of it ruled I suppose.

Back then I wanted to be famous and I wanted to inflict a wound that would last forever in the hearts of many. Nowadays however, I would love not much more than to slink into the dark. Move to a very large city and become another unremarkable presence among the sea of bodies.I would also love to avoid causing harm despite my predilections where violences are involved. Unfortunately my only true passion, work and hobby (this internet video stuff) sort of demands some sort of presence in some sort of limelight.

I wonder if part of me also seeks attention. Intellectually I’m inclined to say no but judging by my behavior, that seems dissonant, incongruent. I can fix that however, I can simply become a new sort of me.

Taking inventory and deciding what sort of person to become for my next phase/hustle/city/grift etc. is a long standing practice for yours truly. I watch interviews, or observe in meatspace and take notes, practice in the mirror, practice on video, etc.

It has varied quite broadly over the years but there is one consistent trait that always shows up in whatever formula I’m brewing at any given point in life.

“I want to be the kind of person who is okay with anything.” an immediate challenge I often run into with myself is “well there are some situations you should under no circumstances be okay with”. I’ve never been able to square the logic away with that one, at least until tonight. '“What I actually want, is to be able to maintain that same dead calm I usually dwell within, no matter what.”

This is not currently the case. Despite this distant coldness I find myself so readily revealing these days, that very same lack of passion makes me prone to it. It is because I have wanted to be able to feel so deeply, to care so immensely, that I sometimes throw myself into performances of righteous fury, impossible melancholia, and great declarations of love.

Sometimes I really fool myself y’know. I can work myself up into such intense, impassioned bouts of wailing and sobbing that I’m suddenly not in control. It’s my body doing these things and my god is it convincing. Unfortunately, as soon as I start to think, if even an ounce of self awareness creeps in, or one of my internal monologues says “faker” well it all dries up quite instantaneously and I can’t help but laugh at it, but I can get really really close to the genuine article. If you’re a regular of this here confessional, the streams, videos, etc. you’ve seen me do it.

Sometimes I imagine someone taking umbrage with me, and launching a massive campaign exposing and “cancelling” me or something of the sort, and every time all I can think to say is “well it’s all been out there right in the open for all to see on the blog! why are you surprised!”

Harrowing stuff really. I’d love to avoid all that though, I’d love to maintain that dead calm. I’m thinking again about the sort of person I’d like to play, the sort of life they’d live, where they would reside, what sort of job they’d work, what company they’d keep.

I have it all mostly worked out but y’know its just the darndest thing,

I can’t imagine any scenario in which that person would maintain a blog, nay a tell all manifesto such as this!

No, not at all.

I can’t say I would.